Invincible Summer

I guess this is goodbye

2007-05-23T19:21:00.000-04:00

I guess this is goodbye, old pal
You've been a perfect friend.

I've been thinking of ending this blog for a while now and I've decided that it's time to finally say goodbye. There are many reasons why but the most compelling is this -- the things I most want to write about right now are not the things I feel comfortable posting on a public space. I am well aware that words posted to the internet can (and probably will) come back to haunt me for years to come and thus, this site, which started off being a very important form of self-expression, has become stiffling.

The end of this site doesn't mean the end of me writing. In fact, I'll probably be writing much more extensively when I don't feel the need to censor myself so much. Maybe I won't feel this way forever but it's how I feel right now and instead of leaving my page blank for months and months, I thought I'd at least say goodbye to those of you who come here on a regular basis.

It's been nice to have an audience to write to and I've certainly appreciated your thoughtful comments.

Until we meet again...

Leah

There's No Place Like Home

2007-04-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

I am finally home from my geographic profiling course. It was only two weeks (and even had a trip home in between) but if felt like a really long two weeks! What is geographic profiling? It's a method to help track down serial offenders by using the areas where they commit crimes to help identify where they might reside (or work). It's pretty neat and really effective when you apply it to cases that meet the criteria. I now have six months to complete a real case using the techniques that I've learned and then can be certified as a geographic profiling analyst.

It's nice to be back home with no immediate plans to go anywhere for a little while. Although I've been away for four weeks already this year, my job normally doesn't involve much travel. I don't know how some people do it on a regular basis. Work travel is very different from personal travel, especially if you go with other coworkers because even in your 'off' times, you end up talking about work a lot and that can get really tiring. I usually retreated to my room in the evenings because I found myself needing some time to myself at the end of the day.

The plan for the weekend is to relax, dance to reggae, eat yummy food, and spend time with everyone in Toronto who I've been missing.

Happy Weekend!

The Orphan Ache

2007-04-24T01:11:00.000-04:00

Your shoulders do not brush my shoulders,
Not even on a streetcar by accident.
And now I cannot recall whether your brown eyes
Were chocolate or spiced copper or sable.
Year after year more details vanish.

Seventeen years later
I am reminded of you regularly
But I do not remember.
Oh, the perplexing irony
and the resulting shades of the truth.

Yesterday a sweet perfume
Was swept by the wind into my nostrils.
Instinctively, I looked around for you,
And instead saw a grandmother step into a cab.
It still stings every single time.

Will it take a lifetime
To heal all of my wounds?
The scars are precious --
A tangible proof that you really did exist
In flesh and not just in a child's mind's eye.

The Sun Poured Down like Honey

2007-04-23T17:48:00.000-04:00

Last week I was away on a course for the week in a small town southwest of Toronto. I came home for the weekend and am now back for the second half of the course. I always miss home when I'm away but it gives me a lot of thinking time and it makes me appreciate all the good things that I now associate with "home".

The weekend was warm and filled with sunshine. It felt like the first real days of spring and I tried to spend as much time as possible outside. I walked my bike down to the local bike shop and got some minor repairs done and filled the tires with air. Then, I went for a short bike ride and remembered how much I like biking. I rode while Eli skated beside me and we explored some streets in our neighborhood that we'd never been down before. It was wonderful seeing all the people on the street with smiles on their faces. It felt like people were emerging from their winter cocoons and were feeling the same elation that we were.

This will be my first spring/summer in Ontario and I have a really good feeling about it. It already feels like a friendlier, more vibrant city than the one that greeted us when we arrived in the winter. Our normally quiet neighbourhood was bustling with energy and I've been told that it only increases as the weather gets nicer. It's hard to not be affected by the palpable anticipation and excitement that floats through the air.

On Friday night I was really excited to see Soulwax performing at the Opera House. We got there early and were looking forward to a night of dancing and fun. I didn't really like the music playing when we got there but I was sure that it would get better as the night went on...it didn't. By 1:30am, Soulwax had still not hit the stage even though all of their instruments were set up and looked ready to go. We sensed that something was amiss. A few moments later, a tall, thin girl started gyrating on the stage, very much like a stripper, and was working hard to rev up the crowd. She then walked to the microphone and announced that there was an emergency and unfortunately Soulwax wouldn't be able to perform but that we should all have fun anyways. We waited another ten minutes and then decided to call it a night. How disappointing! $20 to hear mediocre DJs playing less than mediocre music. I don't know exactly what happened or why Soulwax wasn't able to perform but I HATE when headliners cancel at the last minute like that with no real explanation or apology.

Despite that small setback, the weekend was lovely and I was really glad to have been able to come home from my course. It's grey and rainy out here today so I don't feel so bad being holed up in the middle of nowhere.

I hope the sun is shining wherever in the world you happen to be...

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde

2007-04-13T00:45:00.000-04:00

Does this look like the face of a vicious, aggressive cat to you?

No? Well, you should see her behaviour this week then. Our lovely, cat-loving friend, Laura, came to visit us from Vancouver and Reese is very unhappy about it. This behaviour started when I still lived in Edmonton but has become progressively worse lately and is very distressing and concerning.

How scary can a cat be, you ask? Very scary. More than one person has phoned in tears, locked in a room, afraid to come out because of her. At first I thought that these people were over-reacting but then I saw it first-hand and was horrified. She hisses, growls, and threatens people. In addition, and far more concerning is the fact that she stalks strangers and attacks when unprovoked. She gets so upset that even I am not safe when she gets herself that worked up.

I called a couple veterinarians today to get some advice and both advised that this is very serious and needs to be dealt with as soon as possible or it will escalate. Apparently, every time people cower at her aggressiveness it is providing positive reinforcement and lessens the likelihood of being able to break the behaviour. The veterinarian is going to refer her to a cat behavioural therapist (yes, my cat requires a kitty psychologist) where they will evaluate whether this is something fixable or not. She outlined quite clearly, however, that some animals have untreatable problems with aggression and need to be put down.

I know that some of you reading this are probably thinking "it's just a cat" and wonder why I would invest time or money into an aggressive animal. Without wanting to sound like a 'crazy cat lady', all I can say is that I am devastated at the idea of possibly having to part ways with Reese. She is part of my family. She is my loyal companion and makes me happy in ways that are tough to express. I brought her home from the SPCA during an incredibly dark and dreary time in my life and she was a loving, always-there-for-me friend to come home to each day. In her kittenhood, she was playful and happy, mischievous and smart, and irresistibly cuddly.

On a day-to-day basis she is a beautiful creature and I love sharing my home with her. She makes us all laugh with her antics. It is only when strangers come over (and only certain strangers) that she transforms into her vicious alter-ego. We love Reese but we also love having friends over to our home and would ideally not have these things be mutually exclusive.

I called Eli in tears today and he reassured me that we'd try the behaviour modification before we made any decisions about Reese's future. Always the optimist, he told me that although there are *some* cats that it doesn't work for, there are also *some* cats that it does. As silly as it sounds to type this, we will take our cat to therapy and hope that we can address her issues. In the meantime, we're going to keep her separated from strangers - it's all we can do.

Meow for now.

Love Nest

2007-04-08T13:35:00.000-04:00

Last time I updated we had just lost out on bidding for a condo and I was mildly disappointed. I knew that eventually we'd find something just as nice but didn't expect that it would happen right away. It did! We saw a condo (on Craigslist of all places) in the morning and made an appointment to go view it that evening and upon setting foot in it, knew immediately that it was the place for us. It was much, much larger than any of the other condos we looked at and had more character. The building itself was built in 1908 and was converted to condos around 2003 which gave it the best of both worlds - old retro charm with all of the newer conveniences we wanted.

The building from the outside:

The kitchen that we plan to paint when we move in:

The breakfast bar/dining room area:

A bay window in the living room!

So many windows!

We put in an offer that evening and were thrilled when it was accepted. We take possession on June 29th and are both incredibly excited! The condo is on the tip of the gay village which means that we are steps from shops, restaurants, clubs, and anything else we could possibly want. It is skateboard/biking distance to Eli's work and provides for a much more direct route to work for me. I think I'll even get to leave my car at home and commute by subway/train. There are parks in close vicinity and the lake is a short bike ride away. It feels like the perfect place for us.

I feel so grateful these days to have so much going 'right' in my life.

So...

2007-03-27T23:41:00.000-04:00

...we didn't get the condo. 4 offers came in and ours wasn't the one they chose. The hunt continues!

If anyone knows the location of a totally awesome condo that no one else in Toronto knows about, let me know!

Home Sweet Home

2007-03-27T21:30:00.000-04:00

Ever since we arrived in Toronto, Eli and I have toyed with the idea of buying a condo. A number of months ago we did, in fact, purchase a property but after giving it serious thought during the ten day "cooling off period", we decided to not go through with it. The property was nice but construction hadn't started yet and wouldn't be completed until 2009 (at the earliest) and we both realized that we had no idea where our lives would be in 2009 so committing to a future property just didn't sit right with us. In addition, we realized that moving into an area under development would mean construction around us for the next 8-10 years and neither of us was excited about that.

After calling off that deal we both agreed to take a break from looking and decided that we would just rent until we had a better idea of what exactly we wanted.

The current place that we rent is big and lovely and we both like living with our roommate, Caitlin, but neither of us likes how far we are away from our workplaces. In the last month or so, the commute has really started to wear on me and I fantasize more often than is probably healthy about how nice a week would be without 10+ hours of sitting in my car. We started looking at places to rent but I quickly realized that we could pay virtually the same amount and own a place so the real estate hunt began again.

The ideal place of our dreams was:
- a house (hahahaha - to think we could afford such a thing in Toronto!)
- with a yard (for the puppy that we dream about having one day!)
- close to both of our workplaces (we work about 50km away from each other so not sure how this would even be possible!)
- close to shops/grocery stores/banks
- funky and unique (i.e. not a cookie-cutter drone home)
- NOT in the suburbs

Place of our dreams, yes, but there is nothing in reality that meets all of those criteria in this city. We then lowered our expectations...a LOT. We wanted something unique and cozy. A love nest built for two (and a cat). We were willing to compromise on size but weren't willing to compromise on location or price. We looked at lots of funky lofts and warehouse conversions but every time we saw one we liked we were told that the property was sold before we even had a chance to put in an offer. This is one of the universal truths to living in a big city: anything remotely good attracts LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of people.

Then, last week, I met with our realtor and saw a cute one-bedroom place that I fell in love with at first sight. It was small but well-designed and used the space very efficiently. It had luxurious finishes that reminded me of a boutique hotel and I could easily imagine us living there. It was one streetcar ride for Eli to get to his work and was very close to the train station so that I could get to my workplace without driving. I came home and excitedly called Eli who was in Edmonton and swooned about the place. We learned that offers would be accepted on Tuesday (today!) which was perfect because Eli would be back in Toronto and could come take a look at it. Last night we went to see the place and he, too, fell in love with it. After a long conversation our minds were made up -- we decided to try to make it ours.

A few moments ago our offer was faxed in and now the waiting game begins! We know that there are at least two other offers going in on the property tonight so we definitely aren't guaranteed to get it but we're hoping! I am anticipating my stomach flip-flopping all night until our realtor calls to let us know.

Will we have a new home?!?!

Stay tuned...update to come!

Sticking to the Story

2007-03-15T21:30:00.000-04:00

When Eli and I first met we talked, as people getting to know each other often do, about music. In one of those conversations he asked me to pick one band or artist who was my absolute favourite and explain why. I pondered that difficult question, weighed various genres of music, thought about whose music *really* made me swoon inside and settled on Luna. Why? The lyrics, the chords, the fact that it was the perfect music for making out to or road tripping or dancing or pretty much anything. Yes, Luna was my favourite band but sadly they broke up in February 2005 so (sob, sob) I'd never get to see them live.

Fast forward to 2006 when I delighfully learned that two of the main contributors to Luna (Dean Wareham and Britta Phillips) had started a new project called Dean and Britta! Now, imagine my even greater delight at learning that they would be playing in Toronto on March 12th! Eeeeeeeeeeee! Excitedly, we bought tickets and I counted the days until the show.

Finally, the night arrived and after a delicious meal of sushi and white wine we headed to Mod Club for the show. We entered the room just as the opening band was finishing. The room was sparsely filled but I was happy about that because it allowed us to get up really close to the stage and enjoy the show without being suffocated by swarms of people. Britta came out first in a Nancy Sinantra-esque black dress. She wore high boots and looked as gorgeous in real life as in all her press photos. She is a stunning, stunning woman and everyone (guy and girl alike) noticed.

The set began and I was captivated from the very first notes to the very end ones. Dean and Britta have a warm sound that is soulful and sweet at the same time. Britta's sultry voice blends together perfectly with Dean's while lush chords fill all the empty spaces. The music is dreamy and ethereal but I wouldn't classify it as simple pop music. There are subtle complexities to the music that provide substance. I swayed and danced and thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience. After the show I lurked around the stage for a bit and when Dean and Britta came out to gather up their guitars I nervously asked them to sign my cd. They were both gracious and friendly and it capped off a wonderful evening.

The Mod Club has spectacular, clear sound and it has easily become my favourite Toronto venue to see shows. Tomorrow night we'll be heading back there to see Booka Shade! It still astounds me how many amazing artists come to Toronto ALL the time. Eli and I find ourselves having to be choosy about which shows we go to because it is impossible to attend everything we want to. On many weekend evenings we have to negotiate what we'll attend and usually have several options on the table. I just wish that we had more friends to take along with us.

Making friends in a large city is difficult. On many occasions we've been out to shows and have spotted people who 'look' like people we'd want to be friends with. Of course, you can only gather so much information based on people's appearances but some people exude certain vibes/energies that appear to mesh with ours. We are never sure what to do in those situations and often do nothing at all. It's awkward to just strike up conversations with strangers and people here definitely seem less receptive to that. It's *somewhat* easier to chat with people at electronic music venues because there seems to be more of a widely accepted friendliness for the most part in that scene but I am often shy even in that situation because I don't want people to assume I'm high on some drug.

I've never had problems making friends before but Toronto has been a challenge. I know that I just have to get myself involved in communities/classes/groups that are filled with the kind of people that I'd like to be friends with. I think the spring/summer will be a much better time for this when people come out of hibernation. I have to start perusing the local papers for events that resonate with me and go be sociable. The solution is easy yet it's also so hard! I'd love to hear from other people who have gone through relocation. How did you find a community to connect with? How did you make that connection?

Remember remember
I'm sticking to my story
Remember remember
It's all that I have left
- Luna

Anticipation

2007-03-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

Birds are chirping this morning and the sun is shining in a vibrant blue sky. We are almost through the winter and I'm excited to see what Toronto is like in warmer weather. The gloominess hanging over last week has almost completely dissolved and I have been feeling sparks of anticipation for the future.

One thing I'm very excited about is that I've decided to enroll in a writing course through the University of Toronto. It starts in April and continues through June. It's part of a larger creative writing certificate though I haven't decided if I'll do the whole program or just a course here and there. The idea of writing, being critiqued, and pushing myself is very appealing right now. I've felt incredibly inspired lately and need something to channel that energy into.

Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darlin' it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
- Harrison

Undercurrents

2007-03-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

After some good cries, long talks, and deep breaths I'm feeling much better.

I don't have much to say tonight but I wanted something happier to be at the top of this page.

Under every trial life puts you through
Is an undercurrent of change
- Ron Sexsmith

: (

2007-02-27T00:39:00.000-05:00

I had the most horrible day in recent recollection.

My old buddhist teacher once remarked that he was surprised by how many people expect that things will always go well in their lives. He said that life is full of disappointments and that negatives are as much a part of life as all of the positive things. I know this to be true yet it doesn't quite take away the sting of today.

I ran for an hour today but I couldn't escape my head or heart ache.

Inspired

2007-02-23T13:17:00.000-05:00

Montreal

Poet with no poems
Lover with no love
Driver with no drive
Invisible as you try to be
You leave footprints
wherever you go.

I sat in a cafe in Montreal
Half expecting you to come clink my glass
"To Cohen," you'd say
"To Dylan," I'd say
and both cringe at the cliches
our lives had become.

Instead, I drank alone
and had red wine epiphanies
I forgot my journal
so the wisdom was lost
I flirted with the waiter
who preferred young men.

College Days/College Nights

2007-02-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my dorm room. This is what I've been calling home for the last week and a bit. This room is considered a 'deluxe' room at the college because it has a double bed (most rooms have twins) and its own bathroom (most people have to share a bathroom with someone else). It's not so bad but I'm getting excited to go home on Friday.

Eli came for a visit this past weekend and it was so good to see him. He arrived Friday afternoon with flowers and whisked me away from the college. We ate yummy food, got drunk at a pub called the Glue Pot, explored Ottawa and just enjoyed being in each other's company. Sunday night I snuck him into my dorm room and as I went off to class early Monday morning he headed back to Toronto.

The course I'm taking feels like a waste of time which is disappointing. It's an advanced analytic course but so far it has been really underwhelming. After each lecture we are split into groups to complete banal exercises. We are then debriefed and told that there is no "right" answer. There is much repetition and very little challenge. Everyone in the class is an experienced analyst, many of us with undergraduate or graduate degrees, and I've been noticing that we all share similar sentiments. Thankfully, there's only a few more days to go.

Hello from Ottawa

2007-02-05T20:03:00.000-05:00

Brrrrr! I'm in very chilly Ottawa for the next two weeks on a course. Due to an administrative mix-up I was put up in this room

instead of the bare bones college dorm that everyone else is staying in. I'm not sure if the true massiveness of the bed comes across in the picture but trust me, it is King-sized and seems fit more for a Roman orgy than a business trip. Unfortunately, my life of luxury ends tomorrow when I have to check into the regular ol' dorm. I will post a picture of that room tomorrow and you will see the sharp contrast.

Tonight I'm in my room listening to Joni Mitchell and getting sentimental. Moments ago I was singing along to "I wish I had a river I could skate away on" and realized the irony that I am in Ottawa and do indeed have the Rideau River to skate away on. And I just might. But not tonight because it is c-c-c-cold and I am not used to this kind of bone-chilling winter!

There are analysts from all over Canada on my course and I met some interesting people today including a guy from Toronto. He asked me how I was liking Toronto so far and I told him it was quite an adjustment. He told me that Toronto is a city that you need time to learn to love (three or four years, in his opinion!). He echoed the sentiment that I've heard from numerous people -- that everyone hates it in the beginning but over time you learn to love its eccentricities. Alright Toronto, I'm willing to take some more time to learn to love you but come on, show off more of your good parts!

Truthfully, I'm *not* hating it. It's more like a complicated relationship that you're not sure is worth the effort -- but you're really hoping! I guess we'll see!

One thing that was kind of a sad turn of events was that Eli lost his job. Yes, the job that we moved across the country for. It was unfortunate, but they just couldn't afford him due to a bunch of factors and were forced to let him go. It's been a tough couple of weeks but we've both come to terms with this and are trying to see the positive in it. This might sound like a cliche but I really do believe that when one door closes another one opens and I'm absolutely confident that something wonderful is going to come along for him. He's such a smart, talented, diversely experienced person and people see that immediately. I'm not worried but I know that he is so I hope that things happen sooner than later for him.

Our lives have been filled with so much change lately. I'm so glad that we have each other to lean on...it makes both the good and the not-so-good a lot better.

You think I'd leave your side baby?
You know me better than that

You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees?
I wouldn't do that.

'Cause I'll tell you you're right when you're wrong
And if only you could see into me...

Oh, when you're cold, I'll be there to hold you tight to me
When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you you're so much better than you know

When you're lost, when you're alone, and you can't get back again
I will find you, darling, and I'll bring you home
And if you want to cry I am here to dry your eyes

And in time you'll be fine
-Sade

Not Adrift

2007-01-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

Time whirs by. It used to creep, it used to slink, but now it whirs. It's as if time has incorporated technological advancements and is now faster, lighter, sleeker - like a shiny new laptop, yet different. At the same time, I feel like I've slowed down, am puttering, and (dare I say) have stalled. This further amplifies the feeling that I am standing still while the world around me has been put on fast forward. It's wholly unpleasant and it makes me think that I have to do something about it.

Something deep inside me screams that I am not made to sit in an office for 23.80% of my life (40 out of 168 hours in a week). While other people travelled after high school, after they completed University, or at some other time, I opted to work at full-time, career-related jobs instead. I was lucky to land well-paying jobs in my field and with student loans haunting me I felt that I had little choice but to work, work, work. To me, taking time off meant delaying the start of life. Some recent news has changed my perspective on the near future and has caused me to have a change of heart. Or at least, it's caused me consider having a change of heart.

Sure, working for the last while has been great for financial security and has given me lots of experience that looks good on a resume. But -- it's also limited the kinds of things I've done and has influenced the way I've lived my life. Getting up early everyday inhibits my activities on weekday nights. Having limited vacation time has meant that I've had to turn down trips and other opportunities. So, here I am, at the beginning of my third decade on the planet in an enviable financial state but, perhaps, a less enviable emotional one.

We had a party at our place on Saturday night and I was talking to a friend who is a die-hard Burning Man devotee. He proudly showed me the receipt for his recently bought ticket and asked if I was thinking of going. My immediate reaction was "No, of course not. How could I get off enough time? It's so far! How could I go? That's ridiculous" but instead of saying that I kind of hummed and hawed about it and ended my reply with something like "yeah, maybe someday". And he laughed at me and told me that with that kind of commitment I'd never get there. And though I don't think Burning Man is exactly what's missing in my life it *does* surprise me that my reaction to someone asking if I was considering going was to think that it was ridiculous. What happened to the girl who did things because it was fun and not because it was practical? When did I get so...afraid?

I thought that moving to Toronto would be a great opportunity for introspection and change because I was moving without a job and I was ready to open myself up to possibility and explore. But, as luck would have it, I found a job in my field before I even left Edmonton and because it was exactly what I thought I wanted, I quickly accepted it. I remember having conversations with friends many months ago where I talked about being excited to NOT work in an office and just serve coffee or work in a bar. I had daydreams of working part-time and filling my time with yoga and writing and meditation and thoughtful introspection about myself. But, when the job offer came along that was everything I wanted, the practical side of me demanded that I accept it. And, really, it's a great job - I have flexible hours, I have low stress, it's interesting and meaningful work, there's a workout room in the basement that I use all the time, I'm paid better than I've ever been paid before, I have excellent benefits, etc, etc, etc. I have everything I'd want except I don't think it's what I want right NOW.

There was an article in the Globe and Mail a couple weeks ago called something like "Failure to Launch". It was an article about twenty/thirty-somethings who are "adrift" and are delaying careers, moving back in with their parents, and (gasp) smoking pot. I think they actually referred to our generation as chronic underachievers. It made me think that while I don't exactly fit into that description, I do look at being adrift with a certain longing. If anything I feel like I launched too early and am now wanting to get off the ride. I have joined the rat race and I'm not sure if that *should* be the ultimate goal. Some of the people they profiled in that article were pretty loathsome (the girl who thinks that her parents should support her until she can afford a down payment on a house after they already paid for her university tuition AND a trip to Europe) but there are enviable qualities to the drifters.

I'm conflicted, obviously. Part of me craves stability and order in my life while the other part of me craves something extraordinary and spontaneous. I'm sure there is a way to reach a happy medium but I haven't quite discovered it yet. Have you?

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free

Happy New Year

2007-01-09T22:27:00.000-05:00

Paul Madonna is awesome.

Holiday Greetings

2006-12-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

My thirtieth birthday is right around the corner. Like, six days around the corner. The end of my twenties...it feels strange. I'm pretty happy with my place in the world so that makes it easier to face. I feel like I've accomplished a lot so far in my life and I'm excited about where the future is headed. Sure, it's just a number, but it's a milestone too. I remember being a child and daydreaming about what my future would be like. I'm sure I imagined myself to be married with children at this point. Am I disappointed that I'm not living that daydream? No, not at all. My childlike self had no idea what I would really want when I was 30. She couldn't imagine what a 30-year-old me would actually feel like.

How do I feel? Content. I feel like I'm at a good place in my life. I'm happy to be working at a job that interests me, I am enjoying the challenge and excitement of living in a new place, and I'm still head over heels in love. Eli referred to us recently as being "happy as clams" and I think I agree with him.

This week we've been celebrating Hannukah together. Each night we've lit candles, sung prayers in Hebrew, and have exchanged gifts. It's been very meaningful to develop our own traditions that reflect the homes and the cultures that we grew up in.

Tonight we're leaving to go to Canmore until Boxing Day. My father is going to come and spend the holidays with Eli's family. It will be the first time that our parents will meet. I'm a little nervous but think that it will go alright. I am so excited to see the mountains, feel snow crunching beneath my feet and go skiing! Yay! Also, two of our good friends are coming to Canmore from Edmonton to visit with us for a day so there is much to look forward to.

After Canmore we'll head back to Toronto for a day and then hit the road to celebrate my birthday in Montreal. It will be my very first time there so I'm quite excited. Eli and I will be staying at the luxurious Queen Elizabeth Hotel for two nights! We don't often splurge on such decadent things but we decided that it was warranted for a special occasion. Fun fact you might not know about this hotel: it's where John and Yoko had their famous "bed-in" back in 1969.

Happy holidays everyone and best wishes for the new year!

Overdue Update

2006-12-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

I used to write a lot at work. Now, however, I have extremely limited internet capabilities during the day so my writing has suffered. My productivity, on the other hand, has skyrocketed. I *hate* to admit this but I am a much better worker when I don't have the internet at my fingertips and you know what? Being more productive makes me feel more alive and accomplished at the end of the day. I know this shouldn't be an epiphany but it is. It's not that I didn't get my work done before -- I did. I always produced good work that was highly regarded but now I'm able to do more.

Still, I miss the internet.

In any event, I've been up to lots lately!

Friday night, Eli told me that he had a plan for the evening and it involved "handfuls of LED lights, the corner of Queen and Spadina, a parkade, and other fun stuff involving dancing". I was intrigued! We went for dinner to the Green Room and then at around 11pm we headed over to the intersection. By the time we got there a crowd was already gathering. It was an event called Radical Illumination which involved a temporary art installation that we were all invited to be a part of. We were all given a handful of LED "throwies" and were told that we were all going to decorate a streetcar!

<---"throwies"

At around 11:11pm, we were told to "attack" the next streetcar with lights and hundreds of people all rushed forward and starting throwing lights on it. The expression of the people on the streetcar was priceless! Some were bewildered, some were entertained, and some were frightened! The driver, having no idea what was going on, just kept driving through and refused to stop. Within seconds, four or five police cars showed up and immediately put a stop to everything. It was obvious that they were didn't know exactly what was going on but they wanted to make sure that everyone knew that they were there watching. They shut down the streetcar line and the whole party kinda fizzled.

Apparently, the plan was to takeover the next streetcar with a mobile party. The mobile party was then going to take everyone to an abandoned parkade and were planning on having a party that "straddles the line between public and private space". We were absolutely freezing and weren't sure if anything was going to happen so we left but I've read that the party at the parkade also got busted and they moved on to a Tim Horton's(?) and the cereal aisle of a grocery store! You have to give them a few points for persistence...they were determined to have a public dance party and they did!

Sure, things didn't really work out exactly as planned but I was so impressed by the energy and exuberance of everyone there. They really wanted to bring smiles to everyone around them and I liked the idea of a glowing, covered streetcar. I saw so many people in the crowd who looked interesting and fun and I think we're going to try to go to more events that this group has. They've put on other events in the city like pillow fights and giant capture the flag games set in the financial district!

Saturday night was the Six Shooter Christmas party which was a really fun time. It was all the people from Eli's office, a bunch of their bands, and a potpourri of people from the Toronto music scene. At one point I was introduced to a guy named Michael (I had no idea who he was) and we chatted for a long time about my job and crime in Ontario. In the course of the conversation I casually asked how he was connected and he said "oh, I'm a music producer. I've done some work with Six Shooter before". Later, Eli informed me that he was Michael Phillip Wojewoda who has produced records for the Barenaked Ladies, Spirit of the West, Jane Sieberry, etc. Ooops. I felt so silly. I've seen his name on many records but I had no idea who he was and chatted his ear off about my job.

The weeks feel like they zoom by. I think my internal clock has been thrown off by the contrast in weather here. It is still quite warm and there is absolutely no snow. Some trees still haven't had all their leaves fall off yet! I didn't realize how acclimatized I have been to Alberta winters. I am excited to be spending a few days in Canmore over the holidays.

Because we don't know as many people here, I've been finding a lot more time to catch up on things that got neglected during our move -- like running! I'm running three times a week now and it feels so good to be doing it regularly again. There's a full gym in the basement of my work so it's easy to fit in a workout during the day. I'm starting to have daydreams about half-marathons in the spring but I don't want to fully commit to anything yet.

That's it for now...thanks for continuing to check back with me : )

Patience

2006-11-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

Sporadic updates seem to be the norm for me lately. I've been having troubles putting my thoughts into words. Change can be so overwhelming and it has taken me some time to process it all. I am in Week Two of my new job. It's been alright but I can't help but feel like I am working in a television sitcom world. I am working in a place that takes suburbia to the extreme. It's one of the richest places in Canada and its crime trends and demographics are bizarre to say the least.

I've spent the last week familiarizing myself with the area and going on ride-alongs with the police and as far as I can tell there is an incredibly small amount of serious crime in the area that I'll be analyzing. That's great, isn't it? Well, yes, UNLESS you are a crime analyst whose job revolves around crime. The biggest call yesterday was a lady who called the police about a deer jumping in her backyard. A deer? Is that really a police matter? Or, last week, the woman who felt that employees at Tim Horton's were threatening her because they made her coffee wrong. Sigh. Wealthy people call the police for the most absurd things.

I worry about being bored but I also know that less crime means more in-depth analysis will be possible on what crime there is. I'll also be able to do more research and explore areas that I've wanted to but have never had time for before. All in all, I think I'll have to see how the next few months unfold before deciding if it's a good fit.

On a different note, my very good friend Kim is coming to visit this week and I am *so* excited to see her. When Kim learned that I was moving away she promised me that she would come visit and I am thrilled that she meant it. Visits with Kim are like taking a deep breath in and then slowly exhaling : )

Cloudy

2006-10-25T14:33:00.000-04:00

Since I moved to Toronto, there haven't been very many days with sunshine. Most days have been grey, cloudy, and interspersed with rain. Today, however, there is a bright blue sky and plenty of sunshine and I feel the happiest that I have since I moved here.

Although I might not have revealed it explicitly in my previous posts, the first days in Toronto were really tough. While Eli seemed to relish the newness and the busyness of the city, I felt overwhelmed. My reaction surprised me because I am normally very open to change and excited by it but this change was different. Because it wasn't easy and I didn't feel comfortable right away, I began to think that moving here was a mistake and I longed for the comfort of my condo and my familiar friends and my old life.

Now that I've been here for a while, I'm feeling much better about everything. This week we were invited to a dinner party with a bunch of ex-Edmontonians who are now in Toronto. It was a great night. And last week we were at our favourite local pub (yes, we've already found a favourite local pub!) and overheard another young couple mention that they had just moved here from Winnipeg. We went up and chatted with them, exchanged numbers, and they invited us over a couple days later for a drink. Connecting with people feels good so I'm grateful that we've met so many interesting people lately.

I am pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to get around Toronto. The transit system is designed brilliantly making it simple for someone not familiar with the city to get around. Buses run straight down every main street and are named for that street. Therefore, when you get on a "Bloor" bus, the bus stays on Bloor and doesn't veer off in other directions. It makes it very simple to get from one place to another. For someone used to driving everywhere, it's amazing to be able to get around so easily without a car.

Last Friday I went to see the Andy Warhol exhibit at the Ontario Art Gallery which was curated by David Cronenberg. I'm so glad I was able to catch it in its last weekend as it was a fantastic exhibit. Next week an exhibit starts at the Royal Ontario Museum on Italian art and design. There is so much to do here. If I ever complain of boredom then there is something wrong!

On Monday I start my new job and I'm getting excited to go back to work and into more of a routine. My mind feels like it's gone to mush with all this time off so I'm looking forward to putting it back in use.

And, now as I look out the window, I see that it has once again clouded over. Sigh. I guess that I will have to relish the bits of sunshine that come my way however few and far between they are.

Hey sunshine
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Why don't you show your face and bend my mind?
These clouds stick to the sky
Like floating questions, why?
And they linger there to die.
They don't know where they are going, and, my friend, neither do I.

Apropros

2006-10-23T19:08:00.000-04:00

This seemed particularly relevant today.

Landed

2006-10-16T14:48:00.000-04:00

Hi again. We're now firmly in Toronto, starting to get settled, and have time to sit and reflect and breathe deeply. Ahhhhh.

The trip across Canada was long but much easier than either of us was expecting. The cat behaved (save for one incident that almost killed us), the drive was interesting taking us through places neither of us had ever been before, and we passed the time with long conversations and reading the newspaper to each other. After four days we were both ecstatic to get out of the car and we really haven't driven much in it since.

Our neighborhood is amazing. We live on a street lined with lovely brick houses that have been around for a lot longer than anything in my old neighbourhood. We live a block away from St. Clair Avenue which is a busy street filled with shops selling anything and everything you could ever need. In a one block radius from our house is a knitting cafe, a hardware store, fruit stands, a mexican restaurant, a thai restaurant, a paint store, a pet store, various coffee shops, etc, etc, etc. Also outside our doorstep is a streetcar stop that runs 24 hours and can take us to the subway or anywhere else in the city that we would need to get to. I'm starting to realize that there is little need to drive...ever.

Our house is lovelier than I could have imagined. It is HUGE by Toronto standards and even with three of us living in the house, we still have lots of space and privacy. We spent yesterday painting our bedroom from a disgusting sponge-painted mess to a gorgeous latte/mocha colour. It is my favourite wall colour that I've ever had. In the next few days we're going to get started on the living room and then we'll be able to really relax.

Everything feels like it's coming together, including the fact that I have a landed a great job. I will be working in the same field that I was which makes me incredibly happy. For a while, I felt like I was going to have to compromise what I wanted to do by coming out here but as it turns out, Eli and I will both have jobs that we are excited about. The one downfall is that my job is located in Oakville which is a fair commute each day. Still, there are trains that I can take which will take the stress out of commuting and will give me time to wake up before work and wind down after work. I don't think I'll mind the commute so long as I don't have to drive each day. I figure I'll get a chance to catch up on lots and lots of reading.

It still feels like we are on vacation but it's slowly sinking in that this is home. Eli starts work in a week but I still have two weeks before I'll begin work. In that time, I hope to find a gym, a yoga studio, get more familiar with the city, and explore!

The weather was absolutely freezing when we first moved here but the sun is shining today and I feel like today is reflective of the fall days that I was dreaming about.

I am feeling more homesick than I anticipated but I know that it's normal and is just me adjusting to such an enormous change. I can feel the stress dissolving with each passing day and I do believe deep down that I'm going to like it here.

I would love to hear how *you* are doing. It is so nice to get emails from friends at home (hint, hint, hint)...

More soon.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
-Bob Dylan

Tick Tick Tick

2006-10-03T01:58:00.000-04:00

And time ticks on. This Saturday we will leave Edmonton. Our first stop is Calgary for a quick visit and Sunday the real road trip will begin. We have almost everything packed, to-do lists are ticked off, and we have been getting lots of opportunities for visits with friends. The last few weeks have been hectic but they've also been filled with so many warm conversations that have left me beaming from the inside out.

I feel very lucky to have been shown such kindness of late. We have been treated to a delicious dinner, had a potluck organized in our honour, had friends come and dance and drink with us, had yummy cupcakes made for us, and on and on and on. It has been overwhelming in the nicest way possible.

The last few weeks have also made me realize that I have the most wonderfully patient, loving, and helpful partner a girl could ever ask for. Eli has been a true saint and I appreciate him so much. After spending several days running miscellaneous errands that I asked him to, he spent hours upon hours helping me pack up all my stuff and disassembling furniture. Then, as if that wasn't enough, he volunteered to clean my car from top to bottom. Have I mentioned that I feel grateful? I do.

Tomorrow I have a phone interview for another job that I applied for. I will sit and answer questions amongst the towers of boxes that fill my condo.

T-minus 13 days!

2006-09-25T18:10:00.000-04:00

Less than two weeks until we leave and we have SO much to do! Every day of the next two weeks is booked with something or someone. Tomorrow evening I'm flying to Toronto for a job interview. It seems a bit ridiculous that I'm flying out there two weeks before I will live there permanently but they couldn't wait for me and insisted I come out this week. Wednesday afternoon I'll have an interview followed by a two-part exam and then will get some time to hang out with friends and see our new place! Early Thursday morning I'll come back to Edmonton. Saturday we're off to Calgary to see my parents one last time before we move. Whooosh! My life feels like a bit of a whirlwind right now!

Car versus Bird

2006-09-06T18:33:00.000-04:00

There's one less bird in the world because of me.

On my way home from work I was driving along River Valley Road when a cute little pigeon(?), I think it was a pigeon, walked out in front of my car. There was too much traffic to swerve and I was going too fast to stop. The bird looked up at me and the next thing I knew it was under my car. I felt an actual thump. It was awful. I looked in my rear view mirror and I could see it flapping and injured and dying, but not dead. Poor little bird. I wanted to pull over and grab it and take it to the nearest veterinary clinic but there was too much traffic and several cars after me also ran it over. I hope it died quickly with little pain. I cried for that little bird. I cried so much that I had to pull over and take a few minutes to calm down before I felt ready to drive again.

I'm so, so, so, sorry little bird. I hope you had a happy life for as long as you were alive.

Countdown

2006-09-05T18:00:00.000-04:00

Another big thing can now be scratched off the list…I sold my condo this weekend! Saturday evening we were out for sushi when I learned that an offer was coming in. We raced back to my condo to meet my realtor and the other parties' realtor. I was nervous but it ended up being a very fair offer, just slightly lower than my asking price. After discussing it with Eli, we decided to counteroffer and they accepted. I can see why real estate appeals to so many people. It is exciting and there is a definite adrenaline rush when the deal is done!

It's very strange for me to think of someone else living in my condo. It was built by a developer who allowed a great deal of customization in the units so I was able to pick everything from the type of tile used on the backsplash to the type of hardwood floors that were used. I remember pouring over tiny samples trying to decide what would look good on a larger scale. I wanted it to feel warm and welcoming so I chose earthy brown colours highlighted with yellows, oranges, and reds. For the bathrooms, I wanted it to feel cool and relaxing so I went with a deep blue colour. These aren't great pictures but they give you an idea:

This weekend we also had a yard sale on Eli's front lawn. It was very successful and great fun! We both got rid of a ton of stuff and made some money which will definitely help with our move. We also got to see lots of friends and spend a whole afternoon in the sunshine! Now, all that's really left for us is to pack and finish our last weeks at our jobs.

Countdown: 33 days!

Technolove

2006-08-31T15:53:00.000-04:00

Two new loves:

What a luxury to pull out my computer anywhere at anytime. Someone's a few minutes late? No problem, I'll just pull out my laptop. Want to schedule an appointment with me? Okay, I'll just grab my calender. Stroke of genius sitting somewhere? I can grab my computer and type up my idea. Sure, laptops have been around for a long time but I've never had one and I'm LOVING the freedom already.

The iPod came free with the purchase of the computer. It still hasn't hit me that I can have thousands of songs at my fingertips. The Nano's tagline is that it is "impossibly small" and it really is. It weighs absolutely nothing and tucks away in the smallest of pockets. I have heard mixed reviews about it's durability and lifespan so I'll have to see how mine fares.

Alright, enough of the materialism, onto more important things.

I officially resigned today. September 29th will be my last day of work. It feels strange to be leaving but it's nice to leave on such a positive note. I learned so much in this position which will hopefully help me land an equally interesting position in Toronto. I keep having strange, coincidental run-ins with people who have contacts in Toronto. Today, for example, I bumped into someone who tried to headhunt me for a private sector position a number of months ago. At the time, I wasn't interested in the position but today, after telling him about my plans, he mentioned that his company's head office is in Toronto. He then asked me to submit my resume to him and said that he would pass it along to their recruiting manager.

Finally, if you haven't seen Little Miss Sunshine, go see it. It's touching, funny, and extremely well acted. I highly recommend it!

Confidence

2006-08-30T00:39:00.000-04:00

The front page of the Edmonton Journal today had a story about the project that I've been pouring my heart into at work. I was interviewed yesterday and I couldn't help but burst with a little bit of pride that my project was being highlighted as a success story.

Then, came home to a message from the Vancouver Police Department inviting me for an interview for a postion that I applied for back in June. Back in June I would have been ecstatic about the possibility of landing a dream job in Vancouver but today it just felt bittersweet. My immediate future lies in Toronto so I promptly sent back a response that thanked them for the opportunity but let them know that I was withdrawing from the competition.

Eli asked me if I felt any resentment about my decision and I absolutely do not. Sure, I can dream wistfully about how perfect it might have been to move to Vancouver but I am confident that Toronto will be perfect in its own way too. Everything has been falling into place so easily. All the worries I have had about certain complexities involved in uprooting my life have proven themselves to be non-issues. It all makes me feel that I am moving in the direction I am supposed to.

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.
- Lao-tzu

Better

2006-08-28T18:08:00.000-04:00

Yeah there were times
When I was lonely
And I lay here like a ghost
Upon my bed
I never thought about my friends
I never called up anyone
I was happy hiding out
Inside my head
But then you came along
And loved me all up
First you calmed me down
And then you took my hand
And as we lay under the sky
And watched the planes go by
I knew I’d never be
The same again
- From "Always Getting Better" by Blue Rodeo

Eek.

2006-08-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

Things are a little stressful right now. I am in the middle of trying to sell my condo, finishing my projects at work, figuring out how to move a ton of stuff to Toronto, trying to find a new job, dealing with a cat that doesn't like strangers, keeping my place in perfect condition, and seeing my friends and boyfriend every now and again. It's a lot to juggle!

This is going to be a very busy month!

Eeek.

But, whenever I feel stressed I think of Michelle who is about to give birth any day now and then plans to move from Ireland to Vancouver at the beginning of October. Is she crazy? Brave? Super organized? I don't know, but I definitely admire her.

Our New Home

2006-08-18T15:13:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention that we found a lovely place to live in Toronto. It's the 2nd floor of an old house with lots of character. We'll be sharing the place with Eli's cousin, Caitlin, who is already in Toronto and was willing to go and check out the listings that we kept sending to her. The house has hardwood floors, a clawfoot bathtub, a master bedroom with attached sunroom, a real wood-burning fireplace, AND a chalkboard wall in the kitchen! Also, apparently we are able to paint the rooms if we like and might even be given a paint subsidy to do so! The area we're going to be living in is just on the tip of Little Italy, with 24 hour transit nearby and lots of little shops and restaurants. It sounds perfect!

Off the Hook

2006-08-17T17:05:00.000-04:00

Setting:
At home. One load of laundry is washing. Kitchen is clean. Cat is fast asleep and stretched out on my bed. Sunshine streams through my window. A vanilla latte sits by my deskside. M. Ward plays in the background.

This is the vacation day that I've been dreaming about. Being at home and doing lots of ordinary things. I wouldn't enjoy this every day but I'm certainly enjoying it now. Life has been hectic and tiring and stressful lately but today is none of those things.

On Tuesday, I got back from a whirlwind trip to B.C. Eli and I left last Wednesday and drove all day and part of the night to get to Kaslo to visit with L. and J. and meet up with G. and R. Wednesday evening we all sat around the fire nestled by the lake and caught up on everything we've been up to for the last little while. Then, Thursday morning, Eli, G., R., and myself piled into the car and drove to Shambhala. We arrived in the afternoon and sat in a 7-hour lineup waiting for them to let us in. The lineup was long, very very long, but we were lucky to have good company and it passed quicker than it might have otherwise.

Describing Shambhala is difficult. It's approximately 10,000 people gathered together for different reasons. For some people it's a spiritual experience and they spend the weekend meditating, dancing, and connecting with others; for some people it's just a big rave that includes excessive drug use and hedonism; for some people it's a camping trip with friends; for some people it's a music festival and they come to see specific acts; and for some people it's a combination of all of these things.

For me, this year was less about going crazy and more about connecting with others. I spent most of the time deep in conversation with good friends and people that I've wanted to get to know better. It wasn't a high-energy, ecstatic adventure this year but that isn't what I was really looking for either. Some of my best memories from the weekend include long talks on the beach with friends who I got to know in a deeper way than I ever had before.

Leonard Cohen has a poem called S.O.S 1995 where he says:

"Whoever is in your life,
those who harm you,
those who help you;
those whom you know
and those whom you do not know -
let them off the hook,
help them off the hook.
Recognize the hook."

That excerpt swirled around my head at Shambhala. For me, that is the spirit of Shambhala. So when I crossed paths with someone from my past, I let him off the hook. He might not have known that I did, but I did. Our real conversation was pretty mundane but the conversation in my head said "You are off the hook. Roar, pounce and be happy" and I imagined him saying the same to me. He might not have, but I imagined he did.

Eli and I also had moments of deep connection that reassured me that we are heading in the right direction together. We talked excitedly about the future, imagining what our life is going to be like in a couple months. We talked about the conflicting feelings we were feeling about leaving. Excitement and anticipation for new people and places and things contrasted with sadness and longing for the old.

Now that I'm back, leaving seems like it is right around the corner. One month and a little bit and we'll be gone. My condo is going up for sale in a couple of days and I'm starting to decide what things I'll take and what things I'll leave. We're making lists of tasks that have to be completed and the number of items on them seem a bit overwhelming. Still, everytime I feel my pulse rush or my heart beat faster I remind myself that I'm not doing it alone and I feel better.

A partner in crime is nice. A partner in life is even better.

The Summer's (almost) Gone

2006-08-01T16:43:00.000-04:00

Brrrr! It is absolutely freezing today at work. My fingers are stiff and my nose feels like an icicle is about to form on the end. I have myself bundled in a sweater but I'm still sitting here with my teeth chattering.

The weekend came and went quickly but it was really nice. It was rainy for much of the weekend but I didn't mind. It's nice to be able to put on cozy sweaters, drink warm drinks, and have ambient lamps on during the day. It reminded me of the feeling of autumn and made me realize that the summer isn't going to be around for much longer. Sunday afternoon, Eli and I were having coffee together and Leonard Cohen's wafted through the coffeeshop singing "the summer's gone but a lot goes on forever". I smiled as I thought about how the end of the summer will bring such big changes for us. We are antsy with excitement. Many of our sentences start with "In Toronto…" or "In our new place…". It's hard to live in the present these days, my mind keeps drifting to the future.

I put in an application for a job with the Toronto Police Service a few days ago. It's not my dream job but it looks like an interesting position. Unfortunately, I realized as the fax was going through that I had a typo in the very first sentence. How embarrassing! It's hard to maintain that you pay close attention to detail when you don't proofread your own cover letter. Eeeep : | I'm starting to put applications in here and there for positions that interest me. I'm not desperate to find something before I go but if it happens that way that would be great.

This is another week of early mornings but next week I'll be on vacation! YAY!

Flash Crash Boom

2006-07-27T02:35:00.000-04:00

I had a bad day today. I felt like forces were working against me, making everything more difficult and more stressful and more upsetting than any of it should have been. On top of that, every word I uttered seemed misinterpreted and I seemed to bristle feathers wherever I went.

Storms have been brewing in the hot afternoons which provide a visual representation of the storms that have been brewing inside me this week. All I've wanted to do is sit on a big hill and look out on the horizon and think. I've wanted to wander into cozy coffeeshops with my journal in hand and write. I've wanted to daydream through the day about the future so that I can understand what it is exactly that I'm hoping for. Yet, I haven't been able to do any of those things because my days are insanely busy right now at work and my nights have all been booked with other stuff. I'm lost, disconnected, and feeling a bit overwhelmed.

In response to these feelings, I booked some actual vacation time today so that I can have some time to myself to relax, think, decompress, and destress. I will be off from August 5th until August 18th...16 glorious days of vacation! And, right in the middle of that is Shambhala, something I've been looking forward to all year. It's nice, especially on bad days, to have wonderful things to look forward to.

Sweethearts on Parade

2006-07-24T13:39:00.000-04:00

This weekend Eli and I went to Calgary to kill a few birds with one stone. I still hadn't told my Dad and stepmom about our move to Toronto and decided that telling them in person was better than over the phone. Eli had to work a show in Calgary on Saturday night so the timing was perfect for a little road trip.

We decided that it was better if I sat down with my Dad and stepmom alone and told them the news so that they could be free to say whatever they wanted. I was nervous. I didn't expect them to have a strong negative reaction but my family is, well, unpredictable. I sat down with them and just blurted out, "I have news" and my stepmom responded with "you're engaged?!" I then explained that I was not engaged but was moving away. My dad focused on the logistical details (what are you going to do with your condo? What about a job? Where will you live?) but I was expecting that. Overall, it went pretty well and when Eli came back my Dad congratulated him on his new job and seemed happy for us.

After sharing our big news, we headed to the venue where M. Ward would be playing later in the evening. My roomate, Amy, was opening the show. I sat in on sound check and then joined Eli, Amy and her boyfriend, and Matt and his wife for dinner. Matt was a really nice, down-to-earth guy. It's amazing that he was recently touring with Bruce Springsteen and REM and was now doing a 200 person show in Calgary. His performance was so impressive. His voice is low and soulful and his guitar playing was jaw-dropping. One of my best friends, Jen, and her husband, Bob, joined us at the show which made the evening that much nicer.

Later, when the show was over, Eli and I went to the resevoir by my parent's place and sat on the dock looking out at the water. It was after 1am but the air was still really warm. Eli's skin glowed in the moonlight and I remember thinking that he looked particularly handsome. We walked back hand-in-hand and my heart swelled with happiness.

Oh love is so good
When you're treated like you should be
The sky goes on forever in a symphony of song
- M. Ward

Big News

2006-07-11T14:16:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting much at all even though I've had a lot to say. The reason? I have big news that I've had to keep under wraps until now and it was difficult to write without talking about what was *really* on my mind.

In October I'm going to be moving eastward, across Canada, and making Toronto my new home. Eli landed a cool job with Six Shooter Records and after a LOT of talking and thinking and talking and thinking, we have decided to make the move together. I'm really excited and about a hundred other emotions all combined. At this point, I'm not sure exactly what I'll do there but I've started making enquiries and applying for jobs. I have some contacts at the Toronto Police and have been told that there might be some positions posted by the end of the year. I'm also contemplating grad school for Fall 2007. There are so many options!

The time is going to pass really quickly between now and then and we both have a lot to do before we go. I have to decide if I'm going to sell my condo or rent it, we have to figure out how to move all our stuff across the country, and we need to find a place to live. Still, I've told myself to not get too overwhelmed by the administrative stuff. In the large scheme of things those are the little things.

Over the last couple months we've had long talks about our relationship, about living together, about deciding where to live, about being apart and about being together. We've talked about the future and where we see our lives going. The one thing that remains consistent is that we both see our lives going forward together. We've come so far from those early days of flirting nervously over Scrabble games at the Sugarbowl. Who would have thought that in a year we'd be moving in together in a new city? Not me. Not him. Yet, we both feel that it's the right thing to do.

Amy has this quote on her website:
"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed." I've read it often and have pondered how that applies to my life. I think changing direction is sometimes exactly what is needed to get to where you want to go.

Big changes. On a sadder note, I'm definitely going to miss some of the extraordinary people who have come into my life since I moved to Edmonton. But, I am glad that the world is smaller than it's ever been thanks to the email and messageboards and instant messaging. I am relieved that I still have a few months to spend time with friends here before we leave.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm sure I'll be writing lots in the next few months. It's always that way when there is a lot bouncing around in my head.

Whoosh

2006-06-27T13:53:00.000-04:00

On days when it has been rainy and cold outside I have given myself permission to drive to work instead of bike. Today, however, when my alarm went off, the sun was shining brightly and there was only blue sky above so I had no excuse to be lazy. As the piercing beep-beep-beeps filled my room, I begrudged myself for staying up so late last night. I started negotiations in my head (if you drive you can sleep for another 30 minutes! It *might* rain later! You can always bike tomorrow!) but ultimately rolled out of bed. Fifteen minutes later I was pedaling hard, feeling the wind whip by me, and was happy that determination won over laziness.

The weekend was nice overall. Friday night at the Art Bar was a lot of fun. It was packed with people and was buzzing with energy. People seem in better spirits since the weather turned sunny (maybe it has something to do with all the pretty girls in summer dresses!) Drinks were cheap and we took advantage of that and I found myself in a dizzy, happy, hiccup-plagued state. The Art Bar itself is really nicely done. I had to remind myself that it wasn't just a bar in the Art Gallery but was an art installation in itself. It is a small space with deep, warm colours that almost seem more suited to Fall or Winter than the middle of Summer. There are lovely arches that give it a cozy feel and one of the walls has a wallpaper pattern that adds a bold splash of colour to the room. The lighting is dim and moody. I liked it. I wish it was a permanent fixture there. It's the kind of place that makes you want to have long, memorable conversations. Beside the Art Bar was a larger room set up for mingling and dancing and people were doing both.

Ooooh, if you are looking for a website to kill some time, check this out. It's an amazing project that has been running since 2005. It monitors the web, searching for blog posts that have the terms "I feel" in them and then takes an excerpt and categorizes the feeling. The result is a database of millions of human feelings that can be sorted by feeling, location, gender, or other demographics. I spent a few hours on the weekend completely captivated by it. Check it!

Let Me Out

2006-06-23T17:32:00.000-04:00

The summer festivals have officially begun. North Country Fair last weekend was so much fun! Eli and I left Friday afternoon with the most organized, well-packed car I have ever had for a camping trip. The weekend was overcast and a bit rainy but that didn't dampen our spirits at all. We were surrounded by good friends who made the weekend fantastic. By Sunday, we were both exhausted but happy. It's made me look even more forward to the rest of the festivals we are planning on attending.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. That song has been in my head today and it seems so appropriate because time does feel like it's slipping. The days, the weeks, the months are all going by so quickly. Before I know it I'm going to be packing up my stuff and moving somewhere else. I've already begun paring down my possessions. Yesterday I sold my beloved blue couch with the bright yellow pillows and gave away some furniture that was haunting one of my closets. It feels good to simplify, I need to do more of that.

Sigh. It's a sunny Friday afternoon and I just want to get OUT of here! I am sipping on cold coffee that I've had since I came into work this morning (ewww? It's actually not as bad as you'd think!). My mind is already on weekend mode and I keep finding myself daydreaming about all the plans I've made. Tonight I have an after-work BBQ with some of my co-workers and then later a cool event at the Edmonton Art Gallery called Art Bar which should be lots of fun.

Let me out...

Dream Dream Dream

2006-06-14T17:43:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a rather ominous dream. I was walking outside, looking at the grey, cloud-filled sky when I noticed a Westjet plane flying above. The plane was flying upside down which I thought was strange. I turned to the person next to me (I can't recall who it was) and said, "look, the plane is flying upside down" and as I said that it rotated and began flying right side up. Then, all of a sudden, the plane began to lose elevation. It went lower and lower until I couldn't see it anymore and in its place came huge flames and billowing smoke. The dream was so vivid, so memorable, and so realistic that when I woke up I went to the Internet and checked if there were any news reports of a plane crash (thankfully there weren't). I rarely recall dreams but I recalled so much of this one. I don't know much about dream interpretation but I can't imagine dreams of plane crashes are a good sign.

In other news, I'm realizing how complicated life can be at times. I am on various email lists for my profession and often get sent job postings for positions across North America. In most cases, I promptly press delete without a second thought but today I noticed a posting for 8 positions in Vancouver. Sigh. I have dreamed about living in Vancouver but not right *now*. Now is totally the wrong time. Still, I think I have to apply just to see what happens. Chances are the competition will be stiff for this position and I may not even have to make any difficult decisions. But what if…? Hmm…I can't even think about that!

I'm very excited for this weekend. Eli and I are heading to the North Country Fair. It's a celebration of the summer solstice and is filled with music, dancing, camping, campfires, and all sorts of adventure. I've been several times before and it's always been a fantastic time. Hopefully, we'll get lots of sunshine and not so much rain this year!

Say Yes

2006-06-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

On June 3rd, Stephen Colbert gave a commencement address at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. Among the humour and political commentary, he had this piece of advice near the end of his speech:

Now will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”

Perhaps it's my current state of mind, but that part definitely resonated with me and I've had that phrase "say yes" repeating over and over in my head. Those two words are so simple yet powerful. I've made some decisions lately that have been based on taking a leap of faith and saying yes and instead of feeling anxious or afraid, I feel positively empowered.

I've come to realize that just because things are a certain way doesn't mean they have to remain that way. Sure, the "practical" thing might be to work at my stable, well-paying job and live in Edmonton and maintain my condo but that isn't necessarily what I HAVE to do. How freeing to give myself permission to shake up my life if I feel like it. And I think that I do feel like it. I already have some ideas in my head of how I'm going to approach the next six months. By early next year I suspect that things are going to be very, very different and instead of being frightened by uncertainty, I'm feeling pretty excited.

Rejection Can Be Good (Sometimes)

2006-06-04T13:42:00.000-04:00

I didn't get the job that I posted about here. I was told, however, that I was ranked 6th out of the 22 who were shortlisted out of the hundred(?) or couple hundred(?) who originally applied. I'm pretty happy with that. Getting offered that job would have added a whole new layer of complexity to an already complicated life. Now that I know I haven't gotten it, I can cross that option off the list and consider everything else.

To escape from thinking too much, I bought Nick Hornby's new book A Long Way Down. It's the story of four people who decide independently to commit suicide on New Year's Eve from a popular suicide spot and whose plans get derailed when they arrive on the roof and find the others up there with the exact same idea. So far it's highly readable and filled with wry humour.

Here's an excerpt:

He wasn't Ringo, though. He was more like Paul. Maureen was Ringo, except she wasn't very funny. I was George, except I wasn't shy or spiritual. Martin was John, except he wasn't talented or cool. Thinking about it, maybe we were more like another group with four people in it.

The Vast Unknown

2006-05-30T01:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm making progress. I have some grander ideas in my head of how I want this page to look but I need more time to make it all happen. Keep posted for further changes!

Ah, there is so much to say and so much not say these days. I have secrets swimming just below the surface and it's killing me to not yell out everything that I am thinking. The problem is that these secrets aren't mine to share so I will have to bite my tongue a while longer. What I can say is that changes are looming and I am both excited and nervous by the various possibilities.

Uncertainty. It is a difficult thing for me. I like things planned, settled, and known. Yet, there are times in life where that is simply impossible. I reason with myself that the future is always uncertain and therefore not worth worrying about in any sort of anxious way. I tell myself to take each day as it comes. Breathe. Live in the now. Stop worrying about things that might not ever be. Appreciate the good. I feel like there is so much wisdom deep down if only I'd take my own good advice.

Hmmm.

On a separate note, I read the following article in the Globe & Mail this past weekend:

Berlin. A swan has fallen in love with a plastic swan-shaped paddle boat on a pond in the German town of Muenster and has spent the past three weeks flirting with the vessel, five times its size, a sailing instructor said yesterday. Peter Overschmidt said the swan will finally figure it out but hopes it won't be heartbroken.

Awwwww. I'm thinking good thoughts for that little swan.

Under Construction

2006-05-24T17:19:00.000-04:00

Woah. I made some minor changes to the look of this page and managed to break the formatting that I had. Sorry about the non-matching fonts and weird spacing and sizing issues.

Time to brush up on my HTML.

Then and Now

2006-05-23T17:30:00.000-04:00

2:30am - Saturday Night:

I am wide awake. Coffee at 10pm is most likely the culprit. Tonight I went to the Ben Lee/Sam Roberts show at the Starlite Room. I am very grateful to be able to go to so many concerts. I've never seen as much live music before and it's wonderful. Tonight's concert was good, better than I expected. It was absolutely packed with people wall to wall and I couldn't helpt help but feel slightly claustrophobic. Being five feet tall inherently means that everyone around me is taller and that can be a little overwhelming in crowds. I was so relieved when Eli took me to the VIP area which was sweltering hot but up and away from the crowds.

Up on the balcony, I was able to look down on the crowd and observe the way individuals behaved. I watched and had the revelation that in a crowd of people like that everyone is trying to look unique/hip/different but really everyone just looks the same. Black t-shirts, tight jeans, and hair that probably took a long, long time to do. I watched the way individuals interacted with one another and thought to myself "yeah, I *know* you". The girl who smiled sweetly whenever Sam Roberts looked in her direction. She was sexily mouthing the words at him but was really saying "I'll go home with you tonight if you just ask me. Ask me...please?" The guys huddled together, clinking beers, and laughing hysterically. Their eyes always scanning the crowd for a pretty girl to woo. The VIP's who were obviously given free tickets and couldn't care less about the band. They came to be seen, to visit with the other VIP's, and to drink. They stood perfectly still, seemingly unaffected by the drum beats or the guitar riffs. It's the same at every show -- the same characters simply played by different people.

3:30pm - Tuesday afternoon:

Nine things of note:

1. I've been trying to bike to work each day (but not today on account of imminent rainshowers).
2. I've stopped smoking any and all substances.
3. The persistent cough that I've had for months has seemingly disappeared (see above).
4. I'm drinking more water than ever before.
5. I'm peeing more than ever before (see above).
6. I have an awesome new roommate moving in on July 1st.
7. Irving Layton is my new poet du jour.
8. I'm entering a Scrabble tournament on June 10/11th.
9. Storm watching under a blanket just might be the perfect way to end an evening.

Aiming to Impress

2006-05-18T20:37:00.000-04:00

Today I went for Part 1 of an intensive interview process. I showed up at the indicated time, looked around at the twenty odd other nervous looking people sitting in the reception area and thought "wow, we can't all be applying for this job, can we?" Indeed we were. Twenty-two candidates were short-listed for the position! We were all herded into an exam room and were given instructions for the exam and then were given two hours to write furiously. It felt like being back in University. I looked around the room and wondered if everyone else was writing more perceptive, more impressive, or more intelligent things than me. Maybe, but more likely we were all coming up with the same ideas and the job will come down to who has the nicest smile or something equally inane. I've learned that it's silly to take the outcomes of job applications too personally because the most qualified/best person for the job is not necessarily the one chosen for any number of reasons that you will never be privy to nor understand.

Part 2 of the process is to return next week and receive a copy of the writing that I did today. I will then get 20 minutes to prepare an oral presentation. At that point I will give a 15 minute presentation to a panel and a formal interview will follow. It's quite the process! I am certainly not holding my breath and am not even sure I will accept the position if it is offered to me. Applying for a job when you have a job is much less stressful than applying for a job when you are unemployed. In a worst-case scenario, you just keep doing what you've been doing. So, who knows...everything could change for me or everything will stay the same. I'll be happy either way, I think.

L.C.

2006-05-16T03:06:00.000-04:00

This past weekend my friend Keith patiently stood in line at an Indigo store in Toronto at my request. You see, Leonard Cohen was making a rare appearance to promote his new poetry book and I was disappointed that Toronto was the only store he'd be stopping into so I begged Keith to go on my behalf and get a book signed for me and he agreed. The day of the event he called me saying that he had arrived at the store an hour early and that it was pandamonium and that he was about 200th in line. At that point I wasn't sure if he'd actually get a book signed or even make it inside but I was so touched by his gesture of friendship that I could hardly even express my gratitude.

An hour later he called and left a message for me on my phone and I immediately recognized it as Leonard Cohen's voice and he was reading a poem. It was magical, crystal clear, and on MY cellphone! If I close my eyes I can imagine that Leonard was reading it just to me (he wasn't). And then another message from Keith with Leonard Cohen singing with some other artists. And then a final message of a very excited Keith who wanted to let me know he had a fantastic day and that he did indeed get a book signed for me and that he'd be delivering it to me in person in June. Awww.

The thing that makes this story wonderful is that Keith is a really new friend. Keith is a one of Eli's close friends and when he found out that we were dating, he made a sincere effort to get to know me even though we were across the country from each other. Keith sent me funny, lovely messages and he made sure to set aside some time for me when he visited Edmonton a couple months ago even though he had so many people to juggle into his schedule. The point is, Keith has proven himself to be a caring, generous, and kind-hearted person and it has blown me away. I think that you can tell a lot about a person by examining their close friendships. Like attracts like and good people seem surrounded by good friends. I fell in love with Eli but that feeling has been reinforced over and over again by the company he keeps.

Now, back to Leonard Cohen for a moment. My Dad was the first person who introduced me to music. In fact, much of my early musical influences are records that my Dad had. He happily let me listen to his records and I became a bit obsessive about the records and would play them over and over again ad nauseum while dancing around our basement. I remember the Leonard Cohen records sounding different than anything I'd ever heard before. They were songs with stories that were simple-sounding but proved to be much more complex upon subsequent listens. At that point I didn't know that Leonard Cohen was a writer as well. It wasn't until I was older that I discovered the beauty of his writing and fell in love with the way he expressed himself. Whenever I've felt anything strongly, Leonard is the person that I turn to. His poems, his music, and his whole persona seem to make whatever it is I'm feeling much more understandable and he's more adept at expressing the thoughts and feelings that I've had. Some people have commented that Leonard Cohen is depressing but I have never felt that way. To me, he is inspiring and motivating. He makes me feel that if I concentrated and focused that I too could write like him. Of course, this is the trick of truly brilliant artists...they make it *seem* like their art is easy. It isn't.

So that brings me to tonight. Tonight I am feeling lonely and sad and lost. At the same time I'm feeling optimistic and certain. It is a smattering of different, contrasting emotions but I feel like despite that Leonard would understand. He'd understand that love isn't always easy. He'd understand what I mean when I say that sometimes I feel that I'm difficult to love. He'd understand how I can feel so afraid and so confident at the same time and he'd express all of it succinctly. Something like:

If I,
If I have been unkind,
I hope that you can just let it go by

...

But I swear by this song
and by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee.

You You You

2006-05-15T02:31:00.000-04:00

better than me
are you
kinder than me
are you
sweeter smarter faster
you you you
prettier than me
stronger than me
lonelier than me
I want to get to know you
better and better
- Leonard Cohen

We sat on the rocks by the river and talked about the future. The sun lit up your hair and burned freckles onto my forehead. The wind carried the sweet fragrance of cherry blossom trees and it seemed to follow us wherever we went. If I had to imagine a perfect Sunday afternoon it might be just like today. I tried to hold onto that feeling of perfection and use it to overcome the melancholia of the evening. A noble attempt that almost worked. Almost.

Sunbeams

2006-04-25T18:45:00.000-04:00

Every morning for the past week I've opted to ride my bike to work. The ride has been exceptionally short as I'm staying at a house very close to my work. The short ride has been lovely because it's been slowly easing me into the routine of riding. Biking to work has meant not having to deal with traffic or other frustrations that accompany driving. It's meant feeling the wind in my hair and the sunshine on my face and waking up in a more natural, healthy way. I like it. I think bike commuting is going to be my primary mode of transportation even though it's a much more significant (uphill) ride to work from my home. Still, I'm committed to doing it and I'm willing to wake up a bit earlier to facilitate doing so.

Living at Kim and Royce's and taking care of their beloved dog has been great. As Eli wrote here, it's felt a lot like we are playing house. It's a bit strange to live in someone else's space but we settled in and have felt remarkably comfortable. There is so much that I love about Eli and this period of living together has only served to solidify those feelings. Awww, I'm so happy these days. On Thursday, we go back to our regular lives and regular homes. I hope my cat still likes me.

Tonight I am going to the Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab for Cutie show at the Shaw Conference Centre. I am very excited! Tickets sold out right away and I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to go but a few days ago I learned that I would, in fact, be going! Yay! Yay! Yay!

This and That

2006-04-19T17:05:00.000-04:00

The last week has been hectic but fun. This past weekend Eli and I went to Calgary (again) for a whirlwind in and out. Eli was working the Minus the Bear show and I decided to tag along to keep him company. We drove to Calgary on Sunday afternoon, spent the evening at the show and turned around to come back at around 1am. We drove on the virtually empty highway with some of my favourite songs playing in the background and Eli's cousin fast asleep in the backseat. We talked with a backdrop of black sky and shimmering stars. I love late-night conversations where tiredness seems to break down the barriers that exist in the daylight.

Last night I went to see Taj Mahal and Ruthie Foster who were playing at the Jubilee Auditorium. It was a fantastic show. Ruthie Foster said something that stuck in my head. She said, "You have to remember to pray, even when times are good. That's called being grateful." I like that sentiment because even though I don't pray in any sort of traditional way, I think being grateful is important. The music last night stirred me and had me bopping around in my seat. It was rich, beautiful, soulful music that seemed to grab me by my shoulders and demand my attention. Taj Mahal said "So much of the blues is 'I-have-four-kids-at-home-and-none-of-them-look-like-me' or 'I've-got-a-sweet-woman-but-she's-going-to-be-untrue' and I decided that I wanted to sing blues in a different way." So, what was neat was that many of his songs, while still following blues patterns, were funny/uplifting/happy songs. It was evident how much he loves music. I'm not sure how old he is (I think fairly old) but he was still dancing and singing his heart out and totally going all out. He's a blues legend and I'm so glad that I had the opportunity to see him live.

I am dog-sitting right now for Kim and Royce's baby, Sensi. She is such an adorable dog. She's huge but super friendly and completely loveable. She has these big, expressive eyes that seem like they are trying to convey some sort of message. That message is probably "I'm cute, give me treats" and I must admit it is totally working. I can't resist those eyes pleading at me!

Today has been a great day so far. I came into work and my boss asked to see me in his office to have my performance review done. I wasn't really worried but I wasn't exactly sure what he'd have to say. In my experience, performance reviews don't generally hold much meaning - the boss writes that you have done your work satisfactorily and that's about it. This one, however, was completely different. My boss wrote a 2-page attachment in which he glowed about me. It is the nicest review I have ever received in my entire career. It is nice to be so appreciated and well thought of. I think sometimes I take for granted all the positive things that are associated with my job but I really am grateful to work in such a great environment.

Oh, and for those of you in Toronto (hi Keith!), you MUST, MUST, MUST go to this event: On May 13 at 4pm, Leonard Cohen is doing an in-store appearance at the Indigo on Bay and Bloor. I would absolutely *love* to be there so I hope you will go on my behalf and take pictures (and get a book signed for me?!)

Eleven Sandwiches

2006-04-13T12:52:00.000-04:00

Last night at Tim Horton's:

Eli: Hi, I'd like to order eleven sandwiches.
Employee 1: Eleven sandwiches?! Eleven sandwiches?! I'm NOT making eleven sandwiches!
Employee 1 (yelling at people in kitchen): We need ELEVEN sandwiches!
Employee 1(to Employee 2): You need to go on Sandwich duty because we have eleven sandwiches to make.
Employee 2: I'm not making them, YOU make them.
Employee 1: No, I'm not on soup and sandwich. YOU make them.
Employee 2: Fine, but he better tip us.
Employee 2 (to Eli): You better tip us.
Eli: Okay, okay, I'll tip you.
Employee 1 (speaking so loudly that everyone in the store could hear): Eleven sandwiches! Eleven sandwiches! I can't believe you need eleven sandwiches!
Eli (to growing line that is gathering): YES, I AM ORDERING ELEVEN SANDWICHES.
Employee 1: Okay, what type of sandwiches do you want?
Eli: 3 tuna, 3 chicken salad, 3 turkey…
Employee 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I can only order them one at a time.
Eli: Okay, 3 tuna. 3 chicken salad...
Employee 1: Wait! Wait! Okay, tuna sandwich (long pause as she tries to find the key). And another tuna sandwich (another long pause as she finds the key). Hmmm, how many is that? Two? Okay, one more tuna sandwich.
Eli: Okay, you have 3 tuna sandwiches, right? Now, 3 chicken salad.
Employee 1: Wait, wait, wait! I can only do them one at a time! One chicken salad sandwich (long pause as she now tries to find that key). And another chicken salad sandwich…etc.

An eternity passes while we wait for the girl to punch in all the sandwiches. The line behind us grows and grows and grows. Finally she gives the total and Eli hands over the money and pays for it.

Employee 1: Why do you need eleven sandwiches?
Eli: It's for a band and their whole crew.
Employee 1: Oh. So, umm, are these to go?
Eli: Yes.
Employee 2: Did he tip us? Did he tip us?
Eli: I'm tipping you right now.
Employee 2: That's not much of a tip for eleven sandwiches.

About 20 minutes later, we finally got our eleven sandwiches. The entire time Employee 2 made little comments making us feel like this was some great privilege that she was making them for us! I'd highly recommend going anywhere other than Tim Horton's the next time you need eleven sandwiches.

Firsts

2006-04-11T17:30:00.000-04:00

This past weekend Eli and I went to Calgary so that he could meet my Dad and stepmom for the first time. It went really well. He was charming and eloquent and on his very best behaviour and made a great impression. We all went for breakfast and he made sure to NOT order any bacon or ham because he wanted to appear to be a "good Jew". It was awfully cute even though they wouldn't have cared either way. When he got up to go to the bathroom they leaned across the table and whispered "Oooooh, he's REALLY nice".

Last night I went for my very first skateboard ride ever. It was more difficult than I thought but much more fun than I expected. I loved the feeling of pushing and gliding and steering. I loved the challenge of balancing side to side and the anxiety rush that came with every wobble of the board. It took every ounce of concentration I had and I revelled in the feeling of being completely absorbed in something new.

Zooooooooooooooooom!

Applause, Applause, Life is Our Cause

2006-04-06T22:14:00.000-04:00

le sigh.

I am in the midst of a bureaucratic nightmare at work. It would bore you to death and I don't want to cause any blog-related fatalities so you'll just have to go with my vague complaint that sometimes work kills something deep down inside me (my soul?). In the middle of this most awkward, intimidating meeting I began to fantasize about tipping over the boardroom table and smashing things on the floor while yelling "I quit, I quit, I quit!" It's days like this that I can almost hear Vancouver softly beckoning. Almost. Not quite.

I am in a weird mood.

My cat bit me today in a mean way. It's the first time ever that she's done that. My feelings (and hand) were genuinely hurt when it happened.

I think Joni Mitchell's "All I Want" is the most perfect song. I want to learn how to play it on guitar. I'd like to play it for you by campfire this summer.

My roommate is ticking me off this week. We are having a contest to see who will put off doing dishes the longest. I am going away for the weekend so I think I'm going to win. He doesn't know we're having a contest but we totally are.

My hair is fluorescent blonde (aka: white) in places. It's eerie.

Monday and Tuesday I get to learn how to testify in court. Apparently, I will get to take a field trip to an actual court room to practice. Practicing testifying seems wrong to me but they are willing to pay me to do it so I'm not going to argue.

Sylvia Plath said "There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them. Whenever I'm sad I'm going to die, or so nervous I can't sleep, or in love with somebody I won't be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: 'I'll go take a hot bath.' She was so right and I wish she would have remembered that before sticking her head in an oven.

Did you know that people who have just fallen in love spend over 85% of their waking hours thinking about their amour? Source: Psychology Today

I am going to Calgary this weekend and will potentially see 8 family members. So rare. I hope it goes okay.

Actual list on my fridge:
- garbage bags
- dishwasher soap
- cha-cha lessons
- 26 small anteaters
- 2 large sandwiches
- keys to the bank
- pants
- 56 sliced pickles
- cat dancing lessons
- 13.5 pickup trucks
- 3 pink boots
- afro wig
- "better kibble!" - Reese
- opera tickets
- oversized book shelves

Everytime I go to the fridge there seem to be more items added to the list. It makes me smile even on days when I don't feel like smiling.

I'm so very lucky.

I'm in a weird mood. I think I already said that.

The Joy of Completion

2006-04-04T18:54:00.000-04:00

Phew!

I have to post because I'm so freakin' happy right now. I have been procrastinating completing a task at work for a week! A week! I just refused to do it, finding anything and everything else to do instead. This morning when I woke up I immediately felt nauseous thinking about my overdue task. I knew deep down that I simply couldn't procrastinate anymore. I made a deal with myself that this stupid task had to be done today and I couldn't go home until it was completed. I found a number of other projects to work on all morning and then late this afternoon I finally sat down and did the stupid thing. Now it's done and I am asking myself why I made such a big deal about it. I make myself crazy sometimes. It's true.

Yay for a procrastinated task being checked off the list!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Here Came the Sun

2006-04-03T13:59:00.000-04:00

And Monday is here again…

Awwww, I had such a nice weekend. It was perfect. It involved too many gin and tonics (oh gin, I hope we can still be friends some day in the future), dancing, catching up over coffee with a friend I love to spend time with, a bike tune-up, a haircut, a trip to the airport to fetch my Canada-trotting boyfriend, french toast for breakfast, beer on a patio (hello spring!), a trip to Ikea, a new stereo, Scrabble, and more. The weekend sunshine seemed to permeate right through to my core leaving me in great spirits!

I read the most beautiful article in the New Yorker this weekend. It was a piece by Calvin Trillin about his beloved wife, Alice, five years after her death. Calvin is a prolific writer who has had regular columns in the New Yorker, has written a variety of books, and was known for talking about Alice in his writing. It was clear to his regular readers that he dearly loved her and when she died, people reached out and wrote letters to Calvin about her. Many of the letters were from people who had never met Alice and had no personal connection to her but whose lives were touched by her nonetheless. One letter-writer wrote that when she looked at her boyfriend she often wondered, "but will he love me like Calvin loves Alice?" Calvin's latest article was written as a response to some of those letters. He felt that people didn't really know Alice and wanted to paint a more realistic picture of her. What shines through is his deep love and affection for her and even more than that, his respect, admiration, and appreciation for her.

It was touching and moved me to tears in spots. He wrote about being motivated to impress Alice throughout his life. He wrote about their family, their kids, their life together. It was really a love letter written posthumously to a friend/lover/wife who still lived on in his heart. The article hit a nerve because it gave a glimpse of a relationship, of a marriage, that we all secretly dream of. A love that penetrates so deeply that it can't help but pour out of the couple into their work, into their daily lives, into everything. I highly recommend it and though it's not available online anywhere, I would be happy to make copies for anyone who might be interested in reading the article.

I hope the spring sunshine is cleaning up the shadowy bits that winter has left behind in your life.

Happy Monday, friends!

Happy Anniversary!

2006-03-29T17:24:00.000-05:00

On March 29, 2005 I started this blog. I started it with the intention to just write more. I've long known that writing is, for me, a way to heal, a way to cope with the world, a way to relish things that make me happy, and a way to problem-solve things that I am having difficulty with. I just wanted to write more and I liked the idea of sharing my thoughts with friends and strangers alike.

A year ago I was in a much different state. I had so much angst and sadness and anxiety and conflict in my life then. I let a toxic group of people infect me with their poison. Things are much different now. I am in love with someone wonderful, I am surrounded by incredible friends, I am EXCITED about my future, and I am in a much happier place entirely. There are still those who try to hurt me with words or actions but I'm usually quite good at letting their negativity bounce right off me.

*bounce*

So, what's new? I found out on Friday that I've been short-listed for a position that I applied for. I wasn't really looking for another job but an opportunity came along that I just couldn't resist applying for. The next steps are an exam and an interview. The exam consists of a case study that I will have to analyze and present to a panel. I have stiff competition for the position so it's unlikely that I'll be going anywhere but exciting to think about nonetheless.

And, before I end this entry, I feel like I should welcome all the new visitors who have come to visit my little blog. I hope you don't find it too…ummm…boring ;)

One by one the guests arrive
The guests are coming through
The open-hearted many
The broken-hearted few

And those who dance begin to dance
And those who weep begin
Welcome, welcome, cries a voice
Let all my guests come in
- An excerpt from 'The Guests' by Leonard Cohen

Rambling

2006-03-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday included:

- A dreadfully boring day at work
- A 30 minute run after work
- Dinner with the boyfriend and a great new friend
- A talk about the future and possibility and changes
- Time alone to ponder everything

When I was a little girl I collected those little snow shakers. You know, the plastic ones that they sell in tourist shops with the iconic structures from whatever town you happen to be in. I used to have a whole collection on my dresser and I'd shake them and think about the places I'd been and what places I had yet to visit. Sometimes I wish that I could shake my life in the same way. Have some things stay in the same places, while everything else changes, if only for just a brief time.

Some people are afraid of change. I'm not. I like change. I crave it. But, I've come to understand that change for the sake of change isn't good. It becomes running away from where you are or what you're doing and you can't spend your whole life running. Or, I suppose, you can, but *I* don't want to. Sometimes I feel I'm chasing an ever-elusive happiness that exists only in the realm of fantasy.

About seven years ago, I was hunting for an apartment with a good friend of mine when we stumbled upon this old landlord who didn't have an apartment for us but did impart some good advice. He said that there are three things that determine happiness:

1. Where you live
2. What you do for work
3. Who you live with

He, who had never met either of us, looked us each in the eye and pleaded with us to think carefully about those three things. At the time, we giggled and talked about how creepy he was but his advice has stayed with me, tumbling around in the back of my head.

Where do I want to live? What city? Does a city make the girl happy or is the girl happy in whatever city she lives in? I've had a not-so-secret love affair with Vancouver for a long time but I fear that it's a romanticized ideal that I've created in my head. Yet, I love the bigness of the big city. I want to live in a city that has pockets of people interested in everything that I am. I loved opening up the paper in Vancouver and being overwhelmed by great, cheap, interesting things to do on any given day.

What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to work? Ahhhh, these are the questions causing me the most grief. I am unconvinced that any office job is going to make me swoon. I like the stability of 9 - 5 and benefits and vacation days but I hate the mundaneness of coming into work every day to do the same kind of work. I am creative and a people person. I want to work on projects that I'm really proud of. I only have a very vague sense of what this all means.

Who do I want to live with? I think this question goes beyond roommates and is a bigger question about who do I want to share my life with. This one doesn't fill me with the same anxiety or trepidation as the others. I don't know ultimately where things will go with my current relationship but I feel confident that it's going to grow and hang around for a while and keep filling me with bits of happiness. I have conviction that it's healthy and right for me right now and it feels nice having at least one big thing sorted out.

Do you have answers for these questions? If so, how did you come to decisions about them? If not, are you actively trying to come to some resolution about them?

Well, my lunch break is over so I should get back to the unremarkable project that I've been assigned.

Blur

2006-03-20T18:20:00.000-05:00

Snow, snow, and more snow! I don't recall the last time we had a snowfall like the one we experienced this weekend. Friday night, soft flakes started tumbling to the ground and they just kept falling all weekend making the roads an absolute nightmare! My poor little car just couldn't handle all the slush so we got stuck again and again! It was heartening to have strangers leap out of their vehicles to assist us though - it made me feel like our city is really a small community after all.

Aside from the frustrations of the snow, I had a nice weekend but something was amiss deep down. I've been feeling like my life has become a series of routines and it's making me feel antsy and restless. The weeks pass by in a blur leaving me with a strong sense of déjà vu. I don't know what it is, I guess I feel like I've somehow lost the meaning in my days. I used to feel passionately about the work that I did but lately it's been feeling like I go to work more for a paycheque than anything else. I'm not ready to abandon this job, but I need something -- a goal, a hobby, a craft, a something, to focus on and achieve. If my job isn't filling me with passion then I have to find that elsewhere.

Last year at this time I was committed to running the Vancouver Half-Marathon. I steadily worked towards that goal and was incredibly proud when I achieved it. I feel like I need something similar. A strict writing regimen, a big art project, an athletic goal, or something. I want to stop feeling so listless and, well, boring.

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said,
though I knew she was sleeping
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why"

On The Contrary

2006-03-16T01:56:00.000-05:00

Until very recently, I had two beliefs regarding breakups:

1. New girlfriends and ex-girlfriends don't get along.
2. Friendship is impossible after a significant dating relationship ends.

I have changed my mind about these two points because I have seen evidence to the contrary on both counts. In this particular case, it's been nice to have been proven wrong.

Strep Throat vs Penicillin: Penicillin Wins

2006-03-13T14:04:00.000-05:00

This entry is dedicated to Sir Alexander Fleming, the genius who discovered Penicillin:

I'm feeling much, much, MUCH, MUCH better. This is most definitely because Penicillin is currently waging war inside my body with the evil Streptococcus bacteria and Penicillin is winning! Oh yeah! Go Penicillin! Fight! Fight! Fight! I really haven't lost my mind, I'm just deliriously happy to be feeling like myself again.
This weekend got me thinking a lot about conflict and how differently people deal with it. In my opinion, most people don't deal with it all that well. People get stubborn, defensive, and small conflicts tend to explode into much bigger ones. Where do we first learn about conflict? From our families, and more specifically, from our parents. I recall my parent's fighting and I remember that it was always my Mom who smoothed over conflict, calming my Dad down, and making things peaceful again. After my Mom died, I began to take the brunt of my Dad's temper/anger/stubbornness. Now, my Dad was never abusive, but I wouldn't say that he was great at dealing with conflict. Once he was set off, he would stew and be angry for long periods of time. It upset me and ingrained in me the idea that conflicts were something to be avoided at all costs because they would linger long afterwards.

Fast forward to me entering into relationships and it's not surprising that I found myself dating men who weren't great at dealing with conflict. There was the guy who had such a bad temper that he ended up yelling at me and throwing something in a fit of anger. There was the guy who would sulk and be difficult for days after the smallest of arguments. There was the guy who would hang up on me and refuse to discuss anything once he got angry. Over and over the message was relayed to me: conflict is bad! As soon as someone gets angry with me, I get very upset and feel like my whole world is falling apart. If I'm dating someone, I assume that this is IT, that they will realize that they don't want to be with me. If it's a friend, then I get very worried that this will be the end of our friendship. If conflict happens at work then I assume that I'm going to get fired. It's irrational and illogical but it kind of makes sense why I would react that way.

So, imagine how surprising it is to date someone who is "good" at conflict. Someone who gets angry but is direct about his feelings and is willing to deal with the problem right away. Someone who is willing to come to resolution on an argument and be completely normal afterwards. Someone who apologizes for his part in the argument and sincerely accepts my apology for my part in it. I still don't like fighting, but I know that conflict is a normal, healthy part of any relationship. I know that couples who *don't* fight are probably worse off than those who have occasional arguments. It's reassuring to know that it is possible to have an argument that doesn't become a catastrophe and it makes me feel less inclined to just bottle things up.

Things are looking up, friends.

Not My Finest Moments

2006-03-12T00:51:00.000-05:00

If you weren't around me today, lucky you! If you were, I probably owe you an apology. I woke up in the middle of the night with the sorest sore throat that I've ever felt. It was like razors poking into my throat anytime I swallowed (which is more than you realize until it hurts to do so.) I went to the doctor who took a look at my throat and actually made a somewhat repulsed sound, did a rapid strep test, and told me what I suspected -- I have strep throat : ( 4 penicillin pills later, I'm feeling better but I feel awful about the way I went about my day. Extra hormones + overtiredness + strep throat = the irrational, emotional, and unpleasant me.

After-Vacation Blues

2006-03-09T18:29:00.000-05:00

I have the after-vacation blues. Don't think it's a real thing? It is. At least, the internet says it is, so it *must* be. This morning, sitting in a very tedious meeting, my mind began to wander to thoughts of "is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?" Irrationally, I fantasized about quitting my job, selling my home and all my worldly possessions, and traveling somewhere (anywhere) with my boyfriend. In my mind, we are somewhere warm and I'm wearing a sundress and sandals. We meet interesting people, we write in cafes while sipping cool drinks, and climb mountains and swim in oceans. Jolted back into reality, my rational side reminds me that I really don't have it that bad. My job is interesting most days, there is the possibilty to move to a different work area when I'm bored, and I am paid well which affords me a comfortable life. "It's just the after-vacation blues", I tell myself.

Added to that is the fact that I haven't been eating very well, haven't been working out, didn't sleep very well last night and have a bunch of added hormones swimming through my bloodstream thanks to new birth control. This is all adding up to make me feel slightly more crazy than usual. Whenever I feel off these days, I try to attribute the feeling to concrete things that I can change and that sense of control seems to help immensly. Tonight I'm heading home after work to go for a short run and eat a nutritious dinner and that is sure to make me feel a bit better. I hope that's the case, I'll let you know tomorrow if it worked.

I came across a cover version of Bruce Johnston's (Beach Boys) "Tears in the Morning" and have had it running through my head all day. At least my life isn't depicted in these lyrics:

So you moved out up to Europe
You packed your warmth and you took your soul
Well I hope you do what you're damn sure of
A lonely bed here takes on the cold

Lose a wife, change my life, we're not together
A canceled future well it's hard on me
Gone, you're gone, are you gone forever?
Hope you love the baby I'm never gonna see

Home Again

2006-03-08T23:31:00.000-05:00

"And you're back again only different than before..."

My week in Vancouver was fantastic! It was less about what I did there and more about who I was hanging out with. The first part of my trip was spent catching up with Julia (who I hadn't seen since last summer) and the latter part of the trip was spent catching up with Eli (who I hadn't seen for a couple weeks). It felt very cosmopolitan to meet Eli in Vancouver and stay in a nice hotel for a few days.

Vancouver is a beautiful city. Water, mountains, a bustling downtown, cherry blossoms, greenery, rain, activity and adventure everywhere and so much more. It's a city that has captivated me for years. That being said, it was nice to come home today to Edmonton's sunshine and bright blue skies. When we left Vancouver early this morning it was pouring and grey and dismal outside and I'm not sure that I would deal well with that for weeks in a row.

So, what did I get up to in Vancouver? I met some extraordinary people, ate lots of delicious food, drank wine, walked (and walked and walked and walked), saw an amazing concert, explored, kissed and smiled. It was restful and lovely and exactly what I hoped it would be.

The Road Is Too Long

2006-03-01T14:48:00.000-05:00

17 words from Leonard Cohen for a snowy, snowy day.

The Weight of the World

2006-02-27T15:47:00.000-05:00

Friday afternoon I got on a bus enroute to Calgary. As the bus bounced along the highway, I stared out the window and listened to Beck insist that I "let the weight of the world drift away instead". The ground was dusted in sparkling white snow which made the world seem artificially pristine. The scenery passed by (seemingly) in rhythm with the music that I was listening to. I made up stories in my head about the strangers on the bus. I tried to imagine who they were going to see and what they were going to do that weekend. I envied the ones who were going to be reuniting with a lover at the end of their bus ride.

My reason for going to Calgary was to attend the wedding of a good friend. The wedding was lovely and I was thrilled to be a part of it. Weddings are fun because they are occasions where sentimentality isn't just tolerated, it's encouraged! The wedding was smallish but that made it intimate and allowed the guests to get to know each other. I met so many wonderful people over the course of the weekend and I think that says a lot about the couple themselves. I am confident that they are going to have a long and happy life together. Awwww.

In other news, I have finally finished the marathon project that I've been working on for the last number of months at work! Last week the final report was submitted and the final presentation given and it was all received phenomenally well. The project was pretty frustrating because I really cared about the end product and had to fight for things that I felt strongly about. I am proud of myself for speaking up and not being afraid to differ in opinion with my boss. At times I think he wanted to throttle me, but in the end I think he really appreciated having me on the team. We have all been basking in the compliments that have been coming our way from the higher-ups.

Exciting things are on the horizon, including a vacation that begins Thursday night. I can't wait!

Blossom

2006-02-21T16:00:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning I woke up from a fitful sleep caused by nervousness. I slowly jumped in the shower and spent an inordinate time staring at my breasts, poking the nipples and pondering whether I should go through with what I was planning. The week before I had confidently walked into a piercing studio and made an appointment to get my nipples pierced, but when the day arrived I was feeling much less confident and much more nervous.

I met up with Eli and had a light but yummy breakfast where he tried to take my mind off of the piercing. We spent a bit of time wandering around and then walked over to the shop. I sat down and nervously filled out the questionairre and waited to go in. Before I knew it, I was being told that it was my turn and I anxiously walked into the back still wondering if this was really such a good idea. I walked into the piercing room and was struck by how warm and inviting it was. The walls were a soft chocolate colour and there was an interesting lighting fixture set up in the corner that gave the room a soft glow. My piercer was friendly and calming. He patiently explained what would happen, told me how to take care of my piercings and answered all my questions.

At that point he told me he was going to get his supplies ready and I gingerly removed my shirt. He carefully measured and remeasured and remeasured again to make sure that he was marking the right spots. Once he was satisfied that he had it measured correctly he had me lie down. Eli held my hand and smiled at me encouragingly. I took several deep breaths and the first one was done. The piercer changed sides and again I took some deep breaths and the second one was done. It hurt but not nearly as much as I anticipated that it was going to. I kept breathing deeply as he put in the jewellery and that was it. The whole experience was a smooth, seamless, relatively easy one. I got up and looked at my new breasts in the mirror. They seemed familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. I got dressed and left the studio feeling proud and a little shakey from the endorphin rush.

I'm happy with myself. I feel like I pushed my personal boundaries a little bit by doing this and that is a good thing in my mind. For me, this piercing represents an acceptance of my body in a different way than ever before. It's decorating parts that I previously felt self-conscious about. It's drawing attention where I used to attempt to avert it. At the same time, I like walking around my office knowing that no one would ever suspect that's what I got up to on the weekend.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than that risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin

Ways to Frustrate Your Employee

2006-02-16T16:42:00.000-05:00

1. Call her at home after she's called in sick, wake her up, and ask if she will be in the next day.
2. When she says that she hopes to come in but it will depend on how she feels, strongly encourage her to come in to work. Hey, you're the boss so she's sure to get well quick that way, right?
3. Greet her when she comes into work after being sick with an email that demands a number of complex tasks be completed.
4. Make those tasks due by 10am even though she only starts at 9am.
5. Leave her five voicemail messages demanding various things.
6. Take the day off and leave all responsibility with her even though she is probably still not feeling very well and is only there because you demanded that she be.

If I seem a bit grumpy today, you now know why.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Happy Love Day

2006-02-14T12:42:00.000-05:00

You may find this surprising, but I'm actually not the biggest Valentine's Day fan. It's true, corny, sentimental me doesn't *love* this holiday! To me, it just seems so contrived and I'd much rather have someone celebrate their love for me on any (every?) other day than the one where Hallmark says that you should. But, this year, I was totally bowled over by something sweet that was done for me. It was such a thoughtful, genuine gesture that clearly came from the heart and has, perhaps, made me a convert to this holiday.

Happy Love Day, everyone : )

And since my last poem was kind of anti-love, here's an appropriate one for today...

The Invitation

It doesnt interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.

It doesnt interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesnt interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by lifes betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain?

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesnt interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself ; if you can hear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul ; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when its not pretty, everyday,and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silvers of the full moon YES!

It doesnt interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up,after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesnt interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand on the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesnt interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Swallowing = Ouch!

2006-02-13T16:26:00.000-05:00

What month are we in? February? It's hard to tell with the bizarre weather we've been having. Now, I've always thought that talking about the weather is dreadfully boring and should be something left for when you have absolutely nothing else to say. But, seriously, what is up with our weather? The sun is shining, warm winds are blowing, and there is no snow in sight. Anywhere. The trees must wonder whether they should bloom or drop leaves and the birds must wonder whether they got confused and flew South at the wrong time of year. Meanwhile, on the other side of North America, New York got dumped on with a record 68cm of snow! Days like this make me think that this is the way the world screams out its displeasure and unfortunately no one is listening.

The weekend was good except partway through I ended up coming down with an intense sore throat that doesn't seem to be abating. I am determined to get myself in good health by next weekend. I have something scheduled and I can't be sick. On the agenda for this week: lots of tea, rest, soup, hot baths, and massages. And water. I don't drink enough water, do you?

And because I don't have the energy to type anything more. Here's a poem that I really like:

It's Raining in Love

I don't know what it is,
but I distrust myself
when I start to like a girl
a lot.

It makes me nervous.
I don't say the right things
or perhaps I start
to examine,
evaluate,
compute
what I am saying.

If I say, "Do you think it's going to rain?"
and she says, "I don't know,"
I start thinking: Does she really like me?

In other words
I get a little creepy.

A friend of mine once said,
"It's twenty times better to be friends
with someone
than it is to be in love with them."

I think he's right and besides,
it's raining somewhere, programming flowers
and keeping snails happy.
That's all taken care of.

BUT
if a girl likes me a lot
and starts getting real nervous
and suddenly begins asking me funny questions
and looks sad if I give the wrong answers
and she says things like,
"Do you think it's going to rain?"
and I say " It beats me,"
and she says, "Oh,"
and looks a little sad
at the clear blue California sky,
I think: Thank God, it's you, baby, this time
instead of me.

Richard Brautigan

How to Speak Poetry

2006-02-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

My silence isn't because I have nothing to say. I have too much to say and every attempt at writing ends up sounded clumsy and awkward and doesn't express what it is that I'm feeling. I have started countless entries only to end up deleting them. Why am I so critical of my writing all of a sudden? The inner dialogue in my head sounds so eloquent with its poetic rhythms and perfect grammar. I wish you could climb inside and hear/feel/experience what I do as I move through the world. Would I feel naked in revelation? Would I finally be able to look directly in your eyes without shyly looking away?

I went on my first road trip of the year this past weekend. The sun was shining brightly and I couldn't help but think it was foreshadowing the weekend ahead. Coffee in our cupholders, music playing, and the two of us with looks of contentment on our faces. In Canmore, we met up with one of my best friends and her fiancée. We spent the evening chatting over wine. The next morning we opted for a walk along the river instead of skiing. I took deep breaths of the fresh air and reveled in the crunch of snow under my feet. I was humbled by the mountains that surrounded us. I want to return in the summer and see how different it all looks when the ice melts.

Sunday night I went and heard one of my favourite bands, Stars, play at the Dinwoodie. I couldn't see a thing but I still had a really good time. Why don't they make stages a little higher so short people can still see the performers? Anyways, even without seeing any of the band, I was drenched in the lush sounds and fell in love with their music all over again. It seemed so appropriate to have a band named Stars end a stellar weekend.

Bathed in happiness, I try not to hold my breath.

You cannot tell the audience everything you know about love in every line of love you speak. Step aside and they will know what you know because you know it already. You have nothing to teach them. You are not more beautiful than they are. You are not wiser. Do not shout at them.
- From "How to Speak Poetry" by Leonard Cohen

I don't care if Monday's black

2006-01-30T15:01:00.000-05:00

Another weekend came and went. This one was fairly low key but I think I needed that. I spent Friday and Sunday evening on my own and read, listened to music, folded some origami, lauded affection on my cat, and was just quiet in my own space. I'm a fairly extroverted person but I still savour time spent alone. In the company of others I find it difficult to reflect because I'm too caught up in the present. Yet, without reflection, I tend to feel lost and disconnected from my feelings.

On Friday, I came home from work feeling disheartened and upset. A long, stressful work week in combination with a small conflict with a good friend left me extra sensitive. I met up with E. after work and with very little provocation, ended up in tears. Mostly, I felt overwhelmed and just needed to vent my frustration and anxiety. He listened and offered some good advice while I simultaneously felt better (for having talked about what was bothering me) and worse (because I immediately worried that I wasn't very much fun to be around). Of course, I don't expect anyone around me to be happy all the time but I have pervasive thoughts that people expect that of me.

A couple weeks ago, my stepbrother sent me a copy of The Alchemist and I finally finished it last night. It was my second time reading it and it was okay, but not as good as I remembered it being. I think that's partly because I began to recall how it ended partway through so it lost the suspense that it had on its first reading. I won't say any more than that because it's the kind of book that is best read without much preamble. If you haven't read it, check it, and let me know what you think.

When each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.
- from The Alchemist

If These Walls Could Talk

2006-01-24T03:23:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what observers would think if they were watching my life on a tiny camera unbeknownst to me. Tonight they would have seen me come home from work and meet up with my boyfriend who brought over groceries for dinner and a surprise gift for no occasion (the best kind of gift). The observers would notice us don our workout clothes, disappear for 45 minutes and return with redder faces and glistening skin. The camera would pan to us cooking dinner together, each of us completing our own separate tasks but somehow finishing our dishes at the same time and bringing them to the table. A close-up shot of us talking while we ate the meal we'd just made. The conversation fluxes from light-hearted to serious and back again. Each of us talking in earnest about things that are important to us. We clean up quickly so that we can watch the election results come in. The camera watches as I lie in his arms and catches the subtle, affectionate gestures of my hand running across his leg or his hand brushing against my arm. Fast forward to a little later in the evening. We are lying on my bed with our eyes lined up and our mouths in close proximity. We are taking turns asking and answering questions. There is a gentle happiness between us; I wonder if the camera could pick up on it. It's a snapshot of an ordinary evening but it is anything but ordinary to me. It is perfect, absolutely perfect.

i was waiting for a cross-town train in the
london underground when it struck me
that i've been waiting since birth to find a
love that would look and sound like a movie
- the postal service

Bloggity Blog Blog

2006-01-23T17:29:00.000-05:00

Have I really not updated this page since last Monday? Tsk, tsk, tsk. My life has felt busy lately and as a result I've had less time to be introspective. Last night, however, I had the chance to lie in darkness and let my mind wander. One of my favourite things to do when my life gets hectic and I have a lot on my mind is to turn off all the lights, crawl into bed, put on a pair of headphones, and listen to music. There is something amazingly therapeutic about blocking out all the other noise and letting the notes swirl around me while I ponder different thoughts.

My mind is buzzing these days, but I am happy. I spent most of the weekend with my partner-in-crime extraordinaire. One of the nicest things about our relationship is how easily we seem to get along with one another. We can spend long periods of time together and not get irritated or bored. I like the way our relationship is unfolding. I like looking across a crowded room and seeing his face light up when our eyes meet. I like that he often knows exactly what I'm thinking without me ever having to say a word. This relationship feels different than my past relationships in a lot of positive ways.

Some other highlights from the weekend:
- Went to Shy FX (a drum and bass DJ) on Friday night and danced and smiled and generally had a great time!
- A bustling house party on Saturday night
- A yummy and very fun brunch/potluck on Sunday
- Catching up on sleep
- Lots of decadent eating/drinking

Alright, one more thing before I end this entry. Today is election day and I hope that each and every one of you (who lives in Canada) goes out and votes! It's important!

A poem to start the week...

2006-01-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
- e.e. cummings

Advice from my Older Brother

2006-01-15T22:40:00.000-05:00

Ah, Sunday nights. The weekend is almost over and a new work week is about to begin. I used to dislike Sunday evenings to such an extent that I would work myself into a state of anxiety and extreme upset about the week ahead. A lot of that came down to hating the job that I had at the time and dreading going into work the next day, but it also had to do with a general feeling of unhappiness with my life that I simply don't have anymore. Now, I kind of like Sunday nights. I like to reflect on the weekend and plan for the week before me. Small changes can completely alter ones perceptions --that concept continues to be reinforced in my life.

Today I had a lazy, slow wakeup and then spent the afternoon with my stepbrother, Jeff, who was up from Calgary for the day. My dad and his mom starting dating when I was 15 or 16 and Jeff was the cool, older brother that I always wished that my real brother had been. Jeff is six years older than me but he has always treated me like a friend who cares about my thoughts and feelings. These days, we don't see each other all the time or even talk all that often, but there is a closeness between us that I really appeciate. Our relationship tends to be one filled with silliness and mutual mockery of one another but today over a pint of beer he momentarily got serious and told me that he had a small piece of advice for me. Earnestly, he said that the greatest lesson he's learned is to stop listening to his head and, instead, tries to always follow his heart. He told me that if I continued to do what feels right in my heart then I would always find my way in the world. It's not like I've never heard anyone else say that before, but it meant a lot to hear him say that and it resonated with me for hours afterwards.

Friday afternoon survey

2006-01-13T18:24:00.000-05:00

I get sent these things all the time and decided to spend the last bit of my day completing one.

01. Your name plus "y"
leahy

02. Two feelings at the moment?
tired and excited for tonight.

03. What are you listening to right now?
the buzzing of my computer and the fluorescent lights in my office.

04. A part of a song lyric that's in your mind:
like a star in the night, baby i've fallen for you.

05. Describe where you are right now?
sitting at my desk waiting for this work week to end.

06. The highlight of your week?
hmmm…i'd have to go with the conversation that i had on monday night.

07. What are you craving to have right now?
a nap.

08. Any unforgettable childhood memory?
Dancing while my mom played piano.

09. A not-so-good childhood memory?
I had a little sponge sandwich for the bath and decided that sticking a piece of the lettuce up my nose was a good idea. It wasn't.

10. What are your nicknames?
I don't really have any.

11. Your three plans for tomorrow?
sleeping in late, working out with kelly, hanging out with eli.

12. Your three plans for today?
get through the last hour of work, workout, a dinner date.

13. Are you thinking of someone right now?
sure am.

14.ever gotten drunk before?
gasp! no (yes)

16. Are you single?
no

17. Say something to the person who posted this before you?
thank you for helping me waste some of the last hour of work.

18. Mary has her little lamb. What do you want?
sustained happiness.

19. What colour are your eyes?
blue.

20. Say anything you like to whoever is reading your answers.
thanks for reading my thoughts.

21. Are you feeling hungry?
nope

22. Who do you miss right now?
julia

23. Last friend you talked to online?
eli

24. What do you like about night?
that's when the stars shine2

5. If you were on a farm what would you want to see?
baby farm animals. specifically, goats, bunnies, kittens, and pigs.

26. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
a doctor. hahaha. i guess i didn't realize that being good at math and science were requirements for this career choice!

27. Last gift?
martini glasses.

28. Did you like it?
yes!

29. Do you play an instrument?
i have a guitar and i can play a few chords.

30. What song did you last hear?
strange brew by cream.

31. Your good luck charm?
the crystal that kevin gave me.

32. Person you hate most?
i'm trying to reduce the hate in my life and answering this honestly would merely perpetuate it.

33. Who makes you laugh the most?
one of my co-workers should be a stand-up comic.

34. What makes you smile?
being around people i like.

35. Who has a crush on YOU?
the guy i'm dating

36.Who do YOU have a crush on?
the guy i'm dating

Disappointment

2006-01-12T15:30:00.000-05:00

I got some disappointing news yesterday about grad school. Basically, my hopes of starting in the fall of 2006 have been dashed. Despite having two undergraduate degrees, good marks, AND having three years of work experience in the field that I want to study, I am being told that I have to complete some supplemental classes before I will be admitted.

I wouldn't be frustrated by this if I believed that the supplemental courses would be worthwhile and would make me a better candidate for grad school but I just don't believe that they will. I think they will be a waste of time and money and only further the time it is going to take for me to complete my studies. I am most frustrated by learning that the University puts no weight on my work experience when the program is designed for people who are WORKING. Anyone who has left the sterility of academia knows that there are limitations to the theoretical and that actual applied experience is priceless. But, what do I know? Apparently, without an undergraduate degree from the University of Alberta in Criminology, I know nothing.

I'm trying not to take this setback too hard because not going to grad school means having a lot more time and money to do other things. Things that are way more fun than grad school would ever be! And, this is only a temporary setback. I'm determined to make this happen at some point!

The ants go marching

2006-01-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

For the last week or so I have had fitful sleeps attributed to a pesky cough that has been waking me out of the depths of slumber. Sick and tired of being sick and tired, I decided to take a sleeping pill last night hoping to drift off into a deep, peaceful sleep for more than a few hours. It worked, I slept, but with the side effect that I am like a walking zombie today. Getting out of bed this morning took every ounce of determination that I had. Conclusion: no more sleeping pills unless I have ten or twelve or more hours to bask in bed.

After forcing myself into a vertical position, I peered out my window and watched cars line up and inch ever-so-slowly towards downtown. Each car was like an ant, marching along in step, going with the flow, and not questioning where or why or what they were doing. The occupants of the vehicles (generally one per car) stared blankly ahead of them and I began to wonder what they were thinking about. Did they have a nice night? Were they looking forward to their day? How many of them had sex last night? How many of them were happy deep down? What secrets were they keeping? While idling before my building, did they ever glance up to my window and wonder the same questions about me?

On and on

2006-01-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

Phew! My life has been hectic these days. My work days have been filled with meetings, deadlines, and major projects and my evenings have been filled with lots of socializing. Things are fantastic but I'm feeling the strong need to slow down slightly so that I don't collapse from exhaustion. I can tell that I'm taxing my body because I've had a cold that has been lingering for a couple weeks and a cough that has been lingering for months.

On Friday night I hosted a martini party at my place that was attended by about 25 people. I stressed about it for weeks, trying to plan the right proportions of alcohol, making sure I had enough glasses, and worrying about how all of those people would fit in my apartment but in the end it all worked out! The worst thing that happened was receiving a noise complaint from my "sleep deprived neighbour" who stuck a note under my door the next day. All in all it was a great success!

One of the things that I clearly remember about my mom was what an amazing organizer/host that she was. I have vivid memories of my mom cooking and preparing all day for parties that were thrown at our house. After she died, I was taken aback by how many people commented on the parties they had attended at our house and how sociable and welcoming she was. As I put out my nicely decorated veggie platters, antipasto and crackers, and other snacks, I thought about how much she impacts my life even though she isn't here.

Ooooh, some exciting news! I have a trip planned to go to Vancouver at the beginning of March. I bought my plane tickets yesterday so it's now official! I will be going to visit my good friend Julia who I last saw in the summer and miss lots! In addition, Eli is going to be in Vancouver at the same time and we are going to go to see Stereolab and then fly back to Edmonton together! Yay! It will be a real vacation and I am super excited!

Will I see you give more than I can take?
Will I only harvest some?
As the days fly past will we lose our grasp
Or fuse it in the sun?

Dear Work: You Suck

2006-01-04T18:48:00.000-05:00

Ugh. You know that feeling when you wake up, look at the clock and realize that your alarm didn't go off and it's now 8:35am and you have to leave right NOW for work if you have any hope of making the 9am meeting that you are expected at? Except, you went to bed last night with wet hair so your hair is now sticking straight up in five different directions and there is no way that you can go to work looking that way. Ugh! So, you quickly jump into the shower and jump out of the shower and literally run out of the house with wet hair and the anxiety of trying to make a twenty-minute drive only take thirteen minutes? That pretty much sums up my morning.

Then, before even having a chance to have a sip of coffee I was sitting at a boardroom table being told that I have a presentation due TOMORROW because the boss of my boss is going on vacation and decided that he wants to peruse my work while on holidays but I will have to wait for him to get me a bunch of information which for some reason he couldn't get me until 3pm giving me a mere two hours to work on it! So, I drop everything else, scramble to get it done, and he has the audacity to critique the fact that it wasn't snazzy enough for his liking. He actually said "we like lots of pictures to keep it interesting". HOW OLD ARE THEY THAT THEY NEED PICTURES TO KEEP THEIR ATTENTION? Shouldn't the fact that they are making important decisions be enough to captivate them? Grrrrr.

I have a headache.
I am grumpy.
Work, you suck this week.

Happy New Year

2006-01-03T23:11:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2006! I'm back to my regularly scheduled life after more than a week of holidays. I had ten days off and I thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of them! The last week was a flurry of activity with parties, family dinners, Hanukkah/Christmas celebrations, birthday celebrations and New Years Eve but I still managed to have ample time to relax and recharge.

By the way, do you know how nice it is to have people requesting blog updates? Awwwww, thanks readers! I love you all! How was my birthday? Excellent! I had an impromptu wine-fuelled get together at my place and drank enough to help me forget how old I turned. I think I'm 23 or 25 or something ; )

How was New Years Eve? Awesome! I had a great night. I started the evening with drinks at a friend's place, then went to the Starlite Room for Eli's party. I was so impressed with how well everything came together for him. The party was filled with around 900 people who were smiling, looking beautiful, and having a blast. I serendipitously ran into my...ummm...boyfriend (that's going to take some getting used to) at midnight and was able to give him a kiss. At around 1ish, I left that party and went over to the GOMP party which was also fantastic! It was so nice to walk into a room and see so many familiar faces. I danced and danced and danced until I could dance no more. It was a great start to the new year!

Ummm...what else can I tell you? Well, as mentioned above I have started dating someone. Although, starting is a relative term since this has been a slow and delicate dance for a while. I don't want to make any of you queasy so I'll resist the temptation to wax poetic. Instead, I'll just say that I'm happy and excited to see where the new year takes me/us.

You can fly away to the end of the world
But where does it get you to?
'Cause just when you least expect it
Just what you least expect

The Fuse is Getting Shorter

2005-12-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. And happy holidays to everyone else! I knew it was going to happen and it did: I have reached the saturation point with my family. My brother's arrogance, my Dad's nit-picking, and my stepmom's incessant questioning is starting to annoy me and it's taking every ounce of patience to not snap at everyone. Last night everyone went to bed at 10pm and I, who am used to staying up for at least 3 or more hours more, wasn't the least bit tired. I decided to go for a walk and made the mistake of announcing this to my Dad. Now, keep in mind that my parent's live in a VERY nice neighborhood in Calgary where the police calls probably have more to do with neighbor disputes than anything remotely sinister. Still, my Dad and stepmom tried their hardest to talk me out of my walk but I persisted, walked, and came back in one piece.

So, yes, they are starting to drive me a little crazy but I keep reminding myself that it's the holidays, that I should try to be on my best behaviour, that they mean well, and that I will be heading back to a wholly independent life tomorrow.

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

: )

Reflection

2005-12-24T19:56:00.000-05:00

Spending a bunch of days with my family tends to make me reflective and that is certainly true this visit. I think it's because there tends to be a lot of down time which lends itself to mind wandering, contemplation, and reflection. I can't help but think about what my life was like last year at this time. Last year, I was supposed to go on a road trip to California to attend a party in the desert but at the last minute changed my mind (for very good reason) and stayed with my family. I remember spending the holidays last year being inconsolably upset. My Dad got so worried about me that he planned a last-minute trip to Radium with the hope that taking me somewhere else would cheer me up a little bit. At the end of last year I was convinced that 2005 would be a horrible year and that the whole universe was conspiring against me. Interestingly, the opposite ended up being true. As the year unfolded, I found myself sorting more and more stuff out and I would say that this year has been a turning point to a much more positive place.

For the first time in a long time I've been consistently happy. I won't pretend that everything is perfect or that things are 100% the way that I would have them be if I was able to just wave a magic wand but I really don't have much to complain about. I have a fantastic job, great friends, a pretty decent relationship with my family, and lots of exciting plans for the future. All of the conflict that I had has faded away. I don't let people drag me into their drama anymore. I refuse to fight with people that I don't respect or even like. I've been getting a lot better at just shrugging my shoulders and letting things slip right off me.

I am looking forward to 2006. Here's a sampling of things I'm looking forward to:

- I hope to start grad school in September
- I've made some new friends who are awesome and who I look forward to getting to know better
- Julia has challenged me to run the Vancouver 1/2 marathon with her in May
- I am going to write (and pass, I hope!) the Certified Fraud Examiner's Exam
- I am going on a trip somewhere. I don't know where or when or with whom but I have put money aside and am going somewhere!
- Jen's wedding in February
- Stopping biting my nails. Seriously. I'm too old to be doing that. Enough is enough. Seriously.

I hope that wherever in the world you are, that you are feeling as optimistic about the new year. Have you made any resolutions? What are they? What are you looking forward to in the new year? Come on, indulge me!

And now I'm in Calgary

2005-12-24T01:07:00.000-05:00

Today was a very busy day to be in an airport! I left Vancouver just as the sun was starting to peek through the clouds and made my way to Edmonton where I picked up my car and drove down the very busy Highway 2 to Calgary. I went directly to my Dad's and went out for dinner with him and my stepmom. Once we got through the "are you dating anyone? how's your job? are you dating anyone? how's your condo? are you dating anyone? have you lost weight? are you dating anyone?" inquistion we were able to settle into a normal conversation. We then tried to go see a movie but it appears that everyone in Calgary had the exact same idea as every movie that looked remotely interesting was sold out. We settled for wandering around the mall which was much less busy than I thought it would be and I bought a beautiful pair of long black boots. Oooh la la, there will be more skirt wearing in my future!

It's now 11pm and both my Dad and stepmom have gone to bed! It's okay because truthfully I am exhausted and am looking forward to curling up in bed with a book. Not the most exciting Friday night but the perfect start to the holidays. I just had a short phone call with a certain guy whose been occupying a lot of my thoughts. I miss him and am looking forward to seeing him in a few days. This is the longest we've gone without talking/seeing each other in months but it's kind of nice to miss him. When we are able to hang out it will all be that much sweeter. Awww. Whose feeling nauseated by the sweetness of this post? Me, so I'll stop swooning!

I am very excited because tomorrow I am meeting up with Jen! Yay! Jen is the friend that I wish would have followed me to Edmonton when I moved there. Don't you wish you could pack up your best friends and just have them follow you around as you live your life? Well, selfish her, decided to stay in Calgary and pursue a phD so I have had to settle for seeing her on a less than regular basis. The great thing is, she's the kind of friend who I can pick up with and have it seem like no time at all has passed. She's the friend who sees through all the layers and probably knows me better than I even know myself. She's a friend for life, for sure.

Alright, my bed and book are calling...

Goodnight!

Hello from Rainy Vancouver...

2005-12-22T19:09:00.000-05:00

I just had a whole day of meetings and am now done for the holidays! The last two days have been fascinating and hardly felt like work even though that's what it's all been. Today I was taken down to East Hastings where we drove through an alley that was unlike anything I have ever seen. A young guy was just finishing shooting a needle into his arm and was fumbling to roll up his sleeve as we passed by. In doorways, vacant eyes popped out to see who was coming down the alley. Their faces were marked with scabs and their eyes were simply haunting....so dead and lifeless. They stared at us as we walked by, swaying and shaking and obviously very high on whatever drugs they had just purchased. The detective we were with welcomed us to "skid row", he told us that this was the worst area in the entire city. His feeling was that the shelters, safe injection sites, and charitable organizations in and around this area only feed the problem. I sat quietly not knowing what to say. I found myself feeling sick to my stomach thinking about how these people would be spending the holidays. I wondered how many of them would make it through the next year.

On a happier note, I spent the evening with my brother last night and had a chance to catch up with him. We sat and chatted for hours together and then he slaughtered me at Scrabble. My brother has always been a very good Scrabble player and, in fact, there was a time where I just refused to play with him because it wasn't fun to be beaten every single time. I remember mocking him for learning the 2-letter words and he rubbed that in last night when I played words like "OD" and "AA". In most ways, my brother and I couldn't be more different but I'm starting to realize that we're not complete opposites. It's been good to spend time with him.

Tomorrow I fly back to Edmonton and will then drive to Calgary to spend the holidays with the rest of my family. I will also get to visit with one of my best friends, Jen, who I don't get to see or talk to nearly enough. Yay! I am also hoping to get out to the mountains at some point in the next few days. There is so much to look forward to this year, it's wonderful.

Insomnia-Driven Entry

2005-12-21T04:56:00.000-05:00

I have been out of University for about six years now (!) and I forget how frustrating the University bureacracy can be. I have decided that I want to go back next year to start my Masters degree in Criminal Justice and my application has to be in by February (February 15th to be exact!).

Back in September, I began the process of trying to speak to the graduate studies advisor. I'm coming from a somewhat untraditional background and want to make sure that I have all of the pre-requisites before I apply. This has proved to be fruitless thus far. I've sent numerous emails and have made several phone calls but for some reason she doesn't want to speak to me : (

I am hoping that this is not foreshadowing the results of my application. I also need three academic letters of reference but don't even know how to go about that since I haven't been in touch with ANY of my professors for more than six years! Aghhhhhhhhh! Do I ask one of the professors who gave me an A, even though I know he/she won't remember me? Do I contact the Economics professor who propositioned me in my third year? Do I get a reference from my honours Operations Management field study class that has absolutely no relevance to a Sociology degree? These are questions I would ask the Sociology graduate studies advisor if she would ever call me back!

Note: If any of you reading this have any tips/advice for getting into grad school, please send them to me ASAP! Or, if by some weird coincidence you know the graduate studies advisor for Sociology at the University of Alberta, could you please tell her to phone me?

Anyways, aside from having intermittent anxiety attacks about grad school, things have been going pretty well. I am in Vancouver for the remainder of this week for work and then I am off on holidays until January 3rd! That makes me so happy, I can't even adequately express my joy!

Much too much

2005-12-18T03:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wish I was a cat. Or more specifically, sometimes I wish I was MY cat. Right now, she is curled up in a little ball beside my computer, purring happily away simply because I'm home. That's seriously all it takes to make her happy. Every now and then I stroke her head and she responds by making cute little chriping sounds. It is so cute it makes me want to vomit.

I wish that simple things could make me as happy. Instead, I am mired by always wanting more. By thinking about what could be. By analyzing and evaluating EVERYTHING until my head feels like it's going to explode. I think too much. I worry too much. I wear my heart on my sleeve too much. I let people walk all over me too much. Too much!

I recently got a hair cut that changed my look drastically. If only a personality change could be as easily ordered, purchased, and implemented.

Am I reading too much into the way you touch me?
When you brush by, it's much too much
Am I reading too much into nothing?

Am I reading too much into the things you do?
And do they mean the same to you?
Am I reading too much into nothing?

Am I thinking too hard about the things you say?
A glance can last me one whole day
- John Wesley Harding

Rude Bruce

2005-12-09T01:52:00.000-05:00

Something happened to me today that should NEVER happen to a woman! It was awful, awkward, uncomfortable, and put a damper on an otherwise stellar day! After work I had a Christmas schmoozing function where I wined and dined with all sorts of important movers and shakers. With a glass of red wine in hand, I ran into a guy that I very occasionally deal with in the course of my work. It's been a while since I last saw him so I tried to be polite and said, "Hi Bruce, I'm not sure if you remember me or not, I'm Leah...", at which point he interrupted and said "Of course I remember you!" He then smiled, put his hand ON MY STOMACH, rubbed it in a circular motion and said "I don't remember this though", implying that I was PREGNANT! I was so aghast at his remark that I just stood there with my jaw open. I nervously laughed and pretended that I didn't hear what he said and started talking about something (I don't even know what, I was just trying to change the subject!) Now, I am not rail thin but I am in pretty good shape, have a 26 inch waist, and most certainly do NOT look the least bit pregnant!

What bothers me most is that I found his remark rude and it seriously bothered me but I didn't say anything. I really, really wanted to but the moment passed and it didn't seem appropriate at the end of the conversation to say, "look fucker, don't EVER say that to another woman unless you are positive that she is going to pop out a baby any minute." I am hurt and insulted by his comment because I've actually been working quite hard at changing my body into a sleeker, sexier version of itself and I'm quite proud of the progress that I've made. Countless evenings I've gone out running when I'd rather not have, countless mornings I've gotten up early to get my run in when I would have rather slept. It bothers me that a stranger's thoughtless remark would bother me as much as it did.

Thankfully, the evening ended on a much nicer note when I met the lovely Miss K for Baileys and girl talk. It's interesting that my last entry was all about not opening up and putting up walls because I am distinctively not like that with Kim and I was conscious of that as I spoke to her tonight. The difference is that I trust Kim implicitely, have built up years of goodwill with her, and know that she loves me through and through. It is possible to get to that point with me, it just takes time.

Squeak

2005-12-07T02:21:00.000-05:00

I had a long conversation with a friend yesterday who said that I frustrate him with my "impenetrable walls." He said that he wishes that I would open up a bit more to him and just tell him what I really think. When he first said that I felt defensive and wanted to deny what he was saying, but as I think about it more I realize that he has a point. I've gotten into a routine of holding my cards very close to my chest. The problem is that I don't have a very good poker face, so although I'm not giving anything away by talking about how I feel, I end up sending all sorts of mixed messages through my facial expressions. I'll say "everything's fine", but my face betrays how I really feel. I've come to the conclusion that I either have to get better at hiding emotions on my face or I should just abandon this whole facade and just be honest.

I really don't mean to be so mysterious. It is simply a learned behaviour; a learned response that gets ingrained by repeating it over and over. The very simple truth is that I have gotten burned by being honest. I've been hurt by wearing my heart on my sleeve so as a self-protective measure, I've closed the gates, erected walls, and have hired heavy security to make sure that no unauthorized persons gain entry to the vaults. It's silly, really. It's a lot of effort, it's not doing me any good, and worst of all, it's gotten to the point where I don't even realize that I'm being that way! Siiiiiiiiigh.

The ironic thing is that I yearn for people to get to know me, to know the REAL me that is hidden deep below. I think that's part of the reason why I keep this blog, for example. I like that people are interested in my life, in my thoughts, and in the person that I am. I seriously love having conversations that dip beneath the superficial. However, what I'm realizing is what I don't love is having conversation that touches on things that make me feel vulnerable. And that, friends, is because I've somehow become a fearful little mouse.

Squeak?!

I don't want to squeak my way through life. I want to be the strong, confident girl that I am in my mind's eye. This seems like a perfect resolution for the new year...starting now.

Blink

2005-12-05T01:56:00.000-05:00

There's something in your ways
That keeps me vying for a connection
And I know you feel the same
It's become a two-way addiction

Three Things

2005-11-29T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today but instead of focusing on that I'd rather share three positive things.

One:
Right beside my office there is a house undergoing roof construction. Today I walked by at lunchtime and the four young guys who were working on it stopped and glanced over at me as I passed them. One of them said to another, "now that is a beautiful girl", which got a smile out of me and another said "miss, you have a really lovely smile". Now, I'm fully aware that they probably said the exact same things to every other woman who walked by but it was a pleasant jolt out of the mundaneness of the day.

Two:
It's gorgeous today. Fluffy snowflakes are falling and covering everything they touch with a white coating. The world looks pristine and sparkly and I like the way my shoes make footprints through the softly packed snow. I quite like winter. I like the way my cheeks go bright red when I walk inside somewhere warm. I love the lingering conversations that can happen over red wine and a fireplace on a cold evening. I like the huggable fabrics that people favour in cooler months like cashmere, wool, and velour. There is a distinct feeling to winter and I've grown to embrace it.

Three:
Yesterday, I received a sweet email from my friend, Julia, who is now living in Vancouver. Julia is one of those people who brightens up a room when she walks in. She's quirky, beautiful, kind, funny, and fun...the girl that people notice and whisper about in the "who is THAT girl" sort of way. I first met her a couple years ago and we clicked instantly. We only lived in the same city for about 5 or 6 months altogether but we became quite close in that time and I've really missed her since she left. Julia and I learned how to knit together by finding how-to-knit sites on the internet. We sat for hours one evening with our noses pressed close to the screen trying to make sense of the nonsensical diagrams. Another evening she was painting a picture at my apartment and when Reese got in her way she warned her and then punished her by painting Reese's nose while saying "tsk, tsk, tsk...bad kitty". She lost my favourite pair of (irreplaceable) mittens one night while out on a walk and I didn't even get upset because it was her who lost them.

When I think of her, I can't help but smile. Her email was asking me to come out to visit her in Vancouver and in a fortuitous series of events it looks like I may be heading to her city in the next couple months on a business trip. She wrote in her distinctive Julia style, "I don't really have words for how I miss you or why, I just do". Awwwwww.

Ache

2005-11-29T02:36:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday.

I miss you.

Never Again

2005-11-26T17:15:00.000-05:00

When I'm out, it isn't uncommon to see me sipping on a glass of red wine or drinking a pint of one of my favourite beers. It is, however, uncommon to see me falling over after drinking to excess. Last night reminded me why I rarely get myself to that point. I went out for an acquaintance's birthday and decided, for some inexplicable reason, that the beer I was drinking wasn't enough and that I should supplement that with shooters. The evening wore on and I found myself getting progressively dizzier and eventually had to just go home. I abandoned the four friends who came home with me in the living room and embraced the cool feel of my tile floor in the bathroom. How embarrassing.

I woke up this morning with a killer headache and decided to stay in bed for as long as I possibly could. It's now 3pm and I'm just starting to feel human-like again. Not fun! Not fun at all! Ah well, bad hangovers make you say that infamous phrase "never again" and at this moment I almost believe myself!

I'm craving a large, hot, Tim Horton's coffee. Mmmmmm. And, I think a walk outside would do me good. I have much to think about.

I go to the river to soothe my mind
to ponder over the crazy days in my life
watch the river flow
ease my mind & soul

About Regina

2005-11-24T00:14:00.000-05:00

I am currently in downtown Regina which I must tell you is a very dull place on a Wednesday evening. I have stealthily snuck into the Ramada Hotel (even though that's not where I'm staying) so that I can use their free Internet service which they generously provide in their lobby. My fellow trip mates are currently in their room finishing off a bottle of Captain Morgan's while watching hockey. There was so much testosterone in the room that I could almost see it dripping from the walls so I decided to leave before they started talking about a)women, b)other sports, c)sex, or d)war stories from their 20 years 'on the job'. The trip itself has been extremely worthwhile and informative but I have had more than my fill of these three guys.

Regina has a very small town feel to it. Restaurants, coffeeshops, and anything remotely interesting closes very early in the evening. Liquor stores are government controlled and close at 6pm! The big thing happening in the city right now is an "Agribition" which I've gathered is some sort of agricultural show that appears to require everyone to wear cowboy boots and stetson hats. It's weird, weird, weird!

Tomorrow I'm back! Hooray!

Open Book

2005-11-21T18:15:00.000-05:00

My weekend was a flurry of social activity. Almost every waking (and non-waking) moment was spent in the company of other people. I'm generally extroverted so I did quite enjoy the busyness, conversation, and socialization, but even I need time to decompress, to sit quietly on my own, and to sort out all the thoughts that reel continuously through my head. Tomorrow, I'm off to Regina for a few days on a business trip so I imagine I'll have ample alone time in my hotel. By Friday, I'm sure I'll be itching to see people again!

I feel like a lot has been transpiring of late and I fear that I would bore you if I told you everything. Maybe I'll make this a choose-your-own-adventure type blog. What would you like to hear about, readers? Should I talk about my losing streak at Scrabble that is seriously making me doubt my aptitude at that game? Should I tell you about the interesting group of people that I hung out with on Friday whose home was so messy that I was given a "glass" of water in a tupperware container? I could write extensively about how I'm getting much better at dealing with people who don't like me and how unfazed I was to cross paths with one of them this past weekend. Or, I could tell you how I keep getting job postings for jobs like mine in different parts of California and how I'm considering actually applying for a couple of them. I'd love to tell you about the friend that I ran into on Saturday who, upon seeing me in a body hugging t-shirt and jeans, remarked that I looked like I had lost some weight and looked great (yay for friends like that!) For juicier stories, I could regale you with details of the kisses that I shared with a beautiful girl and two nice guys while intoxicated or the fantastic, mind-blowing sexual chemistry that I've been experiencing with someone lovely. And, these are just a fraction of the options....at any given time there are hundreds of things that I'm contemplating.

Or, maybe you aren't interested in any of those things and just come here for the song lyrics and random pictures that I often post. Well, if so, this is for you...

Looking back, it's always the same vicious circle
You fall in love like you'd fall from a bicycle
And everybody's walking in slow motion
You don't, you can't, control your reaction
You should try, because...
Your eyes are like an open book,
One can tell everything from the way you look
- Tahiti 80

For you to notice

2005-11-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you with every single word I said.
It would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
And you'd want to call me

Welcome to Winter

2005-11-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

Winter is upon us. Every year, the first cold days feel like a shock to the system. I went for a run last night along River Valley Road and the cold wind coming off the river burned my ears, flushed my cheeks, and made my skin tingle. It felt like the wind was permeating through my skin and sinking deep into my bones. I'm not complaining though, I would take running in cool weather over sweltering heat any day. Last night I ran with a friend who is a little slower and slightly less in shape than me. It made me feel strong to be the one encouraging him to keep going and to count down the last two-minutes until the next walk break. I know how it feels to be pushed beyond one's comfort zone and I know how much of a difference it can make to have someone running alongside saying "you CAN do it…keep going!"

Afterwards, we went for dinner and then saw the movie "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" which I would highly recommend. I hadn't heard much about it and expected from the title that it would be a James Bond-like spy movie, however, it was much more of a comedy that was absolutely hilarious! I'm giggling to myself as I write this thinking back to a few choice scenes. Hahahaha. Go see it, blog reader, and then talk to me about it afterwards so we can giggle together : )

I am in good spirits. I have a lot going on at work and otherwise but I find myself happiest when that is the case. Next week I'll be in Regina from Tuesday to Thursday on a business trip related to the major project that I'm beginning work on. Business trips seem like such an adult thing, something that my dad would go on, but not me. I still feel sometimes like a child playing the role of an adult. I think part of the feeling comes from having so many friends who are either students or in non-professional jobs. Their youthfullness rubs off on me and ensures that I don't take myself too seriously.

I put on my overcoat and walked into winter
My teeth chattered rhythms
And they were grouped in twos or threes,
Like a morse code message was sent from me to me.
- Death Cab for Cutie

Ignite

2005-11-13T22:34:00.000-05:00

Something had to change, and something(s) did. There have been some interesting and positive twists since my last entry. The details are unimportant, at least as far as a public blog is concerned, but what is important is how a few small things can change so much.

In any event, I've been running hard again. I have put myself on a strict running schedule and have stuck to it (except today). I have my eyes turned towards completing another half marathon and beating my time from Vancouver. I have three friends who have all expressed interest in running with me regularly which is very exciting since it combines socializing with exercise making it the best of both worlds.

As far as friends go, I've been getting to know a new friend in a whole new capacity. He's not a love interest, per se, but has been slowly, but steadily, endearing himself to me. He's hip without pretension, smart without nerdiness, handsome without arrogance, and funny without being unreacheable. I like him and I like the way we he makes me feel around him. I'm glad our lives have collided in the way they have.

That's all I can muster on this Sunday evening. I was up late late late last night and my brain feels like it's only functioning at minimum operational levels.

When I turn my feelings on
I turn my feelings on inside
Feel like I'm gonna ignite
- Spoon

Turn

2005-11-04T01:57:00.000-05:00

Something has to change.

Quote/Unquote

2005-10-25T23:20:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling a bit blue this week so I decided that some fall cleaning would cheer me up. In doing so, I came across my well-used daytimer from 2002. I used to keep track meticulously of all of my activities and in the blank spaces I would write down song lyrics, quotes, or random thoughts that occured to me. In flipping through the pages, I came across some beautiful words and I thought that they might shine some light into YOUR corner of the world, wherever YOU happen to be.

Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
- G. Moore

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

One word frees us
Of all the weight and pain in life
That word is Love.
- Socrates

To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten.

You may only be one person to the world
But you may also be the world to one person

Life is not measured by how many breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Love is trembling happiness.
- Kahlil Gibran

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
- Benjamin Disraeli

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.
For that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- The Little Prince

The most eloquent silence; that of two mouths meeting in a kiss.

Come live in my heart and pay no rent.